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For those of you who have been following my blog, it has officially moved to www.livinganarmywifelife.blogspot.com

THANKS!

Stages...

There are distinct stages in every person's life. A person can define their life by age, career status, religious status, mental status, etc, etc... Each of these categories means something different to everyone. My genre of status changed once I met Seth. When I met Seth I was a "college student" and "retail sales associate" -- basically, I defined who I was by my career (or college status).

When I met Seth, things changed; suddenly I was a married woman...and not only was I married to an amazing man, but I was married to an Army officer! To me, this didn't mean much. Seth was, well, Seth. I loved his sarcastic humor (ask me how much I like it after 7 years...haha), quick wit, love of fitness, the way he could look at me from across a room and make my heart melt (and he can still do this). I thought of the Army as his job...just like my job was to sell tv's, computers, and phones at Sears. My job didn't define me; it was just a job. So, when I met Seth, I didn't think of all of the "things" that would eventually come along with being an Army wife, an officer's wife...it didn't take long for that to rectify itself.

So, at this point in my life I went from being a college student & sales associate to being a wife. It's crazy how that happens. I still attended classes and went to work but when I described myself, my description sounded more like "I enjoy hanging out with my husband and hiking/camping" instead of "I enjoy going to dance clubs (although I don't drink -- except water, of course) and staying out til all hours of the night". My stage in life had officially changed. I was growing up...learning who I was: as a wife, friend, and Christian. My focus changed and now I had to learn to live with another person; someone to hold me accountable for my actions, someone to make me a better person...hmmm...Although this transition didn't come all at once, it did seem to happen pretty quickly.

Now that I was an Army wife I apparently had a few things to learn. First on the list: what/where West Point was. Seriously? Now that my life was starting to change and it would come out that Seth was/is in the Army, I received a lot of different reactions. Seth, at the time, was working on his Master's at U of L (GO CARDS!) so people naturally would ask where he went to college. When my response was West Point, you would think that he went to Harvard or Yale by the looks on people's faces...The first time this happened I was a little surprised --"What's the big deal?" I had no idea what/where West Point even was. hahaha. So, I married someone that not only was a soldier, an officer, but he also went to a very well-known (give me credit, I was raised in a small town) University. Wow! I have a lot to live up to.

I am sure at this point, I probably thought (on more than one occasion): "Why in the world did Seth marry a girl like me? I can hardly speak properly (and he let me know several times a day), I was raised in a small town. Why me?" This was a huge emotional switch for me. I had always believed (not because someone told me but just because I assumed so...) that I would grow up and marry a small-town guy, and I would, no doubt, have a so-so (if not, horrible) marriage and, if I was lucky, no children. I didn't always believe the latter -- only while in college. It's not that I didn't like children, it's just that while in college I was in a horrible relationship and the last thing I wanted was to subject children to something like that.

My mom has been re-married several times, and although I know that we all live our lives differently, I subscribe to the notion that "once married, always married" (unless, of course, he is unfaithful). So, at this point, to transition my frame-of-mind to being in a committed relationship to a very loving, faithful, God-serving man that makes me want to be a better person (in every sense of the phrase) from the aforementioned frame-of-mind was somewhat of a shock...again, this transition came about slowly and there are time when I am still learning to adjust. The baggage seems to always remain, I just have to choose (sometimes once every few months, sometimes weekly, sometimes multiple times a day) to be a better person -- the person God has designed me to be.

(*more to come*)

A blogging conundrum of sorts...

I am finding that the worst part about blogging isn't having something to blog about but rather finding the time to actually blog about them. For example, a couple weeks ago (Not hours, not days, but weeks!) I was walking to church (I attended a praise and worship service at another church before going to our regular service before church) and it was so peaceful (it is never peaceful around my house...). I started paying attention to the sounds and smells, what people were doing, how the wind was blowing, how peaceful it was... I thought, I really want to go home and blog about this walk -- it was such an amazing and insightful walk -- but instead I went to church, came home, heading to church (again...), and then forgot to blog. Since that day I have probably done that a dozen times. I have these really insightful moments and I want to type them out (somehow it gives me clarity and, hopefully, it sometimes does for others too) but just never get around to it. So, here I am blogging about nothing instead. Ugh! It is so frustrating.

I know I have said this in the past but I will say it again -- I am going to work on blogging more regularly...and about fruitful, insightful topics. :0) I am sure that some people wonder why...why does it matter if you blog everyday? Well, it helps me keep my thoughts together. It is, somehow, cathartic for me. When I blog I feel like I was able to really express myself (and who cares if the whole world can read it...). It seems like life gets so busy and I am home with the girls all day so sometimes I don't have someone to talk to (a 3 1/2 & 2 year old don't count!). Blogging allows me to say the things I want to say and if someone reads it (and comments...), fine, if not, that is fine too. haha It is a soliloquy, of sorts.

So...for now, I am off because my dear, youngest child is out of her bed AGAIN! (deep breeaths...) and I have to go assert my scrawny authority. :0) Wish me luck!

Naptime Drama!

"Llama Llama Red Pajama reads a story with his mamma. Mamma kisses baby's hair. Mamma Llama goes down stairs..." and that is definitely not the end. Seriously? Why do children NOT go to bed when they are told? About a month ago Sophia started climbing out of her crib...I knew at that moment that I would never get a moment's peace again. Her crib was my refuge...When I needed to "get away", she would go in her crib and I would have peace and quiet (except, of course, when Kailee calls from "quiet time", "Mom, can I get up yet?").

Does anyone's children (ages 2+) go to sleep when they are supposed to actually go to sleep? I'm am going to conduct a poll. Be sure to vote. :) If you are in the amazing category of "my child is a perfect angel who listens to everything I say, especially bed time", please, please, comment with what you did/do to make this happen...

I have tried swatting the leg, threatening, bribery, etc, etc...

...and there was one.

I had an amazing weekend. (How's that for a good start?) Seth's friend, John, got married yesterday in Dallas so Seth and Kailee went to the wedding leaving me and Sophia here to hang out. I forgot out easy it is to have only one child at a time -- no fighting and no screaming. One thing I did realize is that it is a lot more work but it can be more rewarding (in an easier sense) when you only have one child with you. I know that may seem weird so let me clarify. When both girls are here, it is easier for me to get caught up in what is going on in my day. I tend to think that the girls can just play with each other while I do the things I need (err...want) to do. For instance, I might sit down to check my email and then before I know it I have been on the computer for an hour with Kailee and Sophia coming in and me telling them to "go play". I know this sounds harsh but it happens...a lot more than I would like to admit to. :( This weekend, while Sophia was the only one here, I found myself realizing that she couldn't very well go play with herself when she's used to having Kailee here (and she is only 2 -- YAY! -- as of today). So, I would turn away from my menial task and go play with her. It was so rewarding! I

It was also really sad. Kailee has never been away from me for more than a couple hours (except once when she stayed with Grandma while Seth and I went to KC for a night). During the day while Seth was in school, I started to panic. What if something happened? Did Kailee understand how much I love her?? How could I let her know? I am sure she was so tired of me picking her up, with tear-filled eyes, and telling her how much I love her...and making her tell and re-tell me my cell phone number and her mommy's and daddy's names. :)

Later that night when Kailee called me, ecstatic that they were staying in a hotel room, I got teary-eyed again. My baby is growing up! How/when did this happen? I have always said that I look forward to this age and now that it is here I am sad about it. Will I ever get to the point that I want another child...? I don't like the sleepless nights or the effects that pregnancy has on my body but I love my girls so much that it literally hurts sometimes. I know I would love another child just as much...hmmm...we shall see.

Back to my amazing weekend: Sophia has never had me alone for more than an hour or two at a time (and usually she is napping when that happens). She laughed a lot this weekend! I LOVE hearing my children genuinely laugh. It is the highlight of my day -- when their faces light up with laughter. It takes my breath away -- literally.

On Saturday, we hung out with some friends and it was so nice. Allison & Cory are a couple in town that have a lot of the same beliefs that we have...and Allison and I get along great. Unfortunately our children do not. haha. Allison's son, Steven, terrorizes Sophia. He is constantly pulling her hair, yanking her to the ground, etc...He is only a year old (just turned last month) but he is almost 3 ft. tall. Both of his parents are over 6'. Imagine this boy, almost as tall as Sophia, that doesn't quite understand that he shouldn't do these things. It was a trying day for Sophia yesterday (at least for an hour or so). Allison and Cory did a great job correcting Steven and finally at the end of the day, he actually came up and hugged Sophia -- though she was scared out of her wits when he came up to her with his arms out. hahaha. They will get used to each other. :)

Today was a big day! Sophia turned 2!!! When Kailee turned two she got a "big girl bed" and so we carried the tradition on with Sophia. Today she transitioned out of her crib and into a toddler bed that matches Kailee's. She has been climbing out of her crib constantly. I took pictures last night of her last night in the crib. :( It is sad, in a way. She is 2 and Kailee is 3 3/4 (haha...I know). Before I know it they are going to be going to college and getting married with children of their own.

Kailee tells me almost every day that she wants to be an astronaut, an entrepreneur ("like my mommy" -- haha), and a mommy. I just tell her she can do anything she sets her mind to. Let her dream big!! It takes big dreams to accomplish big actions.

So, Kailee & Seth got back from TX today and, while the girls napped for over 2 hours (Woo Hoo!), I went out to get a couple things for Sophia's birthday while Seth relaxed a little. These hectic weekends send him to the brink of insanity. He is definitely different than I am in that way. I could go, go, go all the time but Seth needs down time. That being said, I decided not to have the girls' friends over like I had originally planned and we made it a small family affair. I have to admit that it was kinda nice just being together with my family and watching the girls have so much fun opening presents and singing "Happy Birthday". I love my family. I love my life. God has been so good to me. I feel so undeserving...

So, I got Kailee a couple small things too so she didn't feel left out (and so I don't have to hear them fighting over Sophia's new toys for weeks on end -- selfish, I know). They both got a new baby doll, Sophia got a new doll stroller (they already have one), Kailee and Sophia both got a new book. Kailee's book is a Bible Study for Toddlers -- it is really simple and I am going to start reading it to her (them) in the mornings. Sophia's book is called "Tickle Monster" and it is really cute. Sophia also got a new outfit and a pair of shoes. We like to keep it simple. Not to mention, she got her bed. I am listening to the girls in their rooms right now talking incessantly. Their beds are side-by-side so I think they are really enjoying "catching up" from this weekend. :) I will post pictures later.

After this weekend, I realize that I need to spend more "quality time" with my girls. I knew this before and I have been really cutting back on play dates and such in order to accomplish this. One would thing that since I am a SAHM, I would be spending tons of quality time with the girls...I have learned there is a large difference between quality time and the quantity of time. When we go to play dates (and we were going 5 days/week), I tell the girls to go play and I talk to the other moms there. I don't really spend any quality time with the girls. :( I'm not sure how this works out...but I am working on correcting it.

I pray daily for patience...and lots of it. I find myself, oftentimes, getting very snappy and cranking toward the girls. I have this list of things I want to get done in one day and sometimes I need to just throw the list out the window and enjoy them...they will not always be this small and, before I know it, they will be in school all day. Part of me wants to rejoice at this and the other part of me wants to cry.

On that note, I am going to go in and tell them good night one more time...and remind them of my love for them. I am so glad that God had such amazing plans for my life. :)

Relief...

Today was a good day. :) I wasn't so sure it was going to be when I woke up to the sound of the girls at 6:30 this morning (AGAIN!). Dastardly time change! This is the first time it has ever really effected Kailee -- actually, maybe it hasn't really effected Kailee; maybe Sophia waking up early is effecting Kailee. Ugh. Either way...I don't d0 mornings. To make it all worse, we had to be at the track at 9 this morning to do intervals, plyometrics, and squats. It is a good thing I had people relying on me to be there or else I definitely would not have worked out today. All of that to say that I am glad I worked out (after the fact)...

The girls and I came home and they played, without fighting, for almost an hour!! It seems these days the girls fight over everything! Seriously...It's crazy! I was able to FINALLY get through two inboxes of emails that have been piling up on me. It is one of my biggest pet peaves to have more than a few (3-5) email in my inbox at any given time -- today I had over 40! ...and that didn't include my Scentsy inbox. YAY!

The guy came to fix the shower. The mold issue was getting completely out of hand! Even if I cleaned the shower everyday (and I most certainly did not), there was no way to keep the mold from taking over. YUCK! He had to use a wire brush to remove the existing mold...ewwww... I'm glad its gone. While he was here I was actually able to clean my house while the girls took a bath. Yes folks, they like to take loonnnggg baths; the type of bath where the water turns freezing cold and their lips turn blue -- and I still have to drag Kailee out. Oftentimes I result to bribery (did I just say that outloud?).

The icing on the cake -- I had someone watch the girls for a couple hours tonight so I could go to an OSSC meeting (my first one!). It was really nice. There were about 40 other women there (all officer's wives) and we talked about decorating -- YAY! I love my children and I love to talk about them but enough is enough already. :) It was so nice to get out and talk about something other than baby poop and play dates. I feel so refreshed.

Now I am off to get a good night's rest. I stayed up way too late last night.

Sorry for boring you guys to tears...I promise a more insightful email when my mind isn't so foggy from sleep deprivation.

It's Halloween!

Today is Halloween! YAY! I am so excited. Kailee is now at the age (going on 4) where she is also excited about saying "Trick or Treat" and "getting treats" from people.

Sophia's costume was a piece of cake -- I inadvertently found it while shopping around one of my favorite stores (Marshall's). She is the world's cutest ladybug. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE all of the tulle! Results are in -- She is just the cutest ladybug you have ever seen??

Kailee, on the other hand, is at the age where she knows what she wants to be. So, a month or so ago I asked her what she wanted to be for Halloween and this is how the conversation proceeded to happen:



Kailee: "I want to be a scary monster." pause "I don't care if I scare Sophia."
Me: "That's not very nice. You don't want to scare your sister."
Kailee: "Well, OK. I just want to be a nice monster."

She is growing up so quickly!

I soon realized that I'm not very creative and I didn't have a clue where I could find an age-appropriate, non-scary monster costume for a 3 1/2 year old. hmmm...So, I did what most mothers would do. I convinced her that she wanted to be something else. :) Her next suggestions was "I wanna be a pirate! AARRRGGGHHH!" I love my 3 year old.

Now, this I could do. I checked local costume shops and looked online. I couldn't believe that most of the pirate costumes for 3 year olds were laden with skulls & crossbones. Seriously? That DEFINITELY isn't age-appropriate -- or appropriate at all, in my opinions. After scouring the internet, I FINALLY found one. It is actually a buccaneer costume and it was so cute.

The results are in -- I have the cutest kids in the world! I have been so blessed...and I cannot wait to trick-or-treat with them in just a couple hours!

One of THOSE days...

Wow! Has it ever been a long day? I am asking myself, once again, why I am still up. Sheesh...

The day started off great! My friend, Catherine, called me to ask if I wanted to drive up to the outlet mall with her in Gilroy. I have put our family on a VERY STRICT budget for the next few weeks but I thought it would be fun to go up and hang out for a while. The girls were great, I had a nice time chatting with Catherine, and we got to eat at In & Out Burger!! Woo Hoo! I had never had their food and it was amazing! I definitely recommend you go there sometime if you get the opportunity. You can find their "location finder" here.

Again, let me stress how good the girls were today. We had a great time...We got home and I put Sophia down for a nap (she only slept about 30 minutes in the car) and Kailee and I started to lay down together. Then I realized that Seth had a meeting at 4:00 (Catherine had told me about this in passing -- her husband and Seth are in the same company at DLI) and I didn't get the usual call from Seth requesting a ride from one side of post to the others o I decided to call him. It was 8 minutes til 4 and his response was "Oh crap!" Great! He had forgotten about his meeting. I rush out to the car, put in the car seats (I rode with Catherine to Gilroy this morning), get the girls back up and head out the door. Whew!

We pick up Seth and drop him off on the other side of post making him only about 10 minutes late instead of 30 or 40 minutes late. Now, I was determined to get the girls down for a nap and maybe sneak in a little shut-eye myself; only to realize that it just wasn't in the cards today. Sophia (who usually sleeps REALLY well) just wouldn't go to sleep, she kept crying. Ugh. So, after about 20 minutes of listening to her cry I decided to go ahead to Wal-mart to try to return a few things and to Marshall's to see if they have the costume Kailee wants for Halloween. It went straight down hill from here!

Let's just say that we never made it in Marshall's, they wouldn't take my broken merchandise back at Wal-mart (who knew Wal-mart had a 90 day return policy-- I guess I'll be sticking with Target after all), and Kailee about drove me over the edge! It was insane. She just wouldn't listen! I don't know what got into her! I swear she was taken over...it was a BATTLE even getting back home. Thank God Seth decided not to stay late tonight (like he usually does on Wednesdays) or else I may have lost my mind! Ok, so, not really but I sure felt like it!

By the end of the night I felt like I was going to pull my hair out. Seth had a little studying to do so I went to Seattle's Best and got a hot chocolate (THE BEST IN THE WORLD!!) and proceeded to Marshall's and Target to look for Kailee's Halloween costume. It is amazing how hard it is to find a pirate costume for a 3 year old that doesn't have skulls and crossbones all over it. I never did find a costume but I had a nice relaxing time out.

As I went in a few minutes ago to check on the girls, I felt this overpowering wave of guilt come over me. I spent so much time "yelling" at Kailee and punishing her the last 1/2 of the day; and I was so upset at her...What is wrong with me?? She is my baby girl!? I knelt beside her bed tonight as she slept and I ran my fingers through her hair telling her "I'm sorry" all the while praying for God to give me patience and a gentle reminder that these girls are only on "loan" to me. He has entrusted them into my care and I need to cherish that. Does that mean that Kailee will not be disciplined any more? No, definitely not! But it does mean that I am going to try to look at her rock instead of the computer screen when she asks (even though I have already seen it 1/2 dozen times!), I will read Sophia the book she has been toting around asking me to read (in her own special "I can only say two words at a time" way) to her instead of folding the laundry, errr...I mean sweeping the floors. (the same laundry has been on the back of the couch for 2 days. Whoops!) I love my girls. They are my life! I need to remember to slow down and enjoy them -- not see them as a burden or a headache. I don' t do this enough!

So, I have learned my lesson for this day and I REALLY am holding back the urge to pick Kailee up (my little girl who is growing so quickly) and rock her for a while...Remember that a day isn't something to get through, it is something to be LIVED!

Good night world! I will continue to pray that tomorrow will be better. I am not perfect but I can definitely be a good mother to my children -- with the help and love of Christ.

Growing Up Girls

I just can't believe how long it has been since I last posted a blog!! Time really gets away from me sometimes. It's crazy!

Things are going really well around here. Seth is still taking Farsi classes at DLI. I can't believe how much he studies and how much he knows!! He took the practice DLPT (military language exam) today and Monday; he doesn't feel very good about the "listening" portion of the exam. I am really praying he did well. He studies so hard and puts everything into this -- it would be great to see him get some sort of validation from all of it.

Sophia turns 2 next month!!! It's crazy. Every day it is something new with her. She is definitely coming into the "terrible 2's", that's for sure. Just today I put her in my bed for a nap (since my room was cooler) and she started banging on the bedroom door (she can't quite get the hang of opening the doors). When I went in to check on her she handed me a 1/2 open container of deodorant. Ewwww....I took the top of the rest of the way to see teeth marks in the top. YUCK! Upon further inspection, there was deodorant caked on her pacifier. When I asked her if she had eaten any she started making a horrible face and opening her mouth -- her tongue was white and pasty. Really?? Of course, I cleaned her up, tossed the bed sheets in the washer, had her drink a cup full of water (which she was happy to do...), and put her back to bed. Whew. Another day in the life of the mother of a (almost) 2 year old. She is also starting to climb out of her crib! I guess she watched Kailee climb in and out of it (to play with Sophia in the mornings before mommy rolls out of bed) and decided to try it herself. Imagine our surprise when, on Saturday morning, Sophia came strolling into our room with her blanket and "pac". hahaha. Gone are my days of laying in bed for an additional 1/2 hour while Kailee and Sophia play in the crib. :(

They are growing up so quickly.

I looked at Kailee the other day, really looked at her, and I couldn't believe what I saw - my toddler was not a toddler any more. On one hand it makes me happy -- more freedom for us as a family to do things together-- but on the other hand I was/am sad. Where has the time gone!!?? Kailee is so tall. We have been marking her height on the side of the refrigerator (very civil, I know) and she has grown every time we mark it (every couple of weeks). Her little round belly is gone and has been replaced with the scrawny little girl that is so sure of herself most of the time. Then you have those times when she just wants to cling to her mommy and daddy. She has gotten into the habit lately of, when she gets in trouble, repeatedly saying over and over: "I WAAANNNTTTT DDAAADDDDYYYYY!!!" I guess "saying" isn't quite appropriate; it is more like "wailing". I wonder what would happen if I decided to do it back to her? Maybe I'll give it a try next time. :) I'll be sure to post the results.

Sometimes I just can't believe how much God has blessed me and my life. What did I do to deserve such an amazing family, a roof over my head, food, etc? I will praise Him all the days of my life!

I will go for now. There is so much I want to say but it is already getting late. I am going to try to post more tomorrow -- get everyone caught up on what is going on in the Middleton household. :)

Until then...

Whew...I'm glad that's over!

Was it ever hectic today! I almost missed both of my flights (from San Jose and my layover) but all is well and I made it. It seems that every time I travel with the girls I learn something new about how to do things. This time I decided I was going to check all of my bags (including my stroller and Kailee's car seat). Kailee is big enough now to ride on the seat in the airplane by herself (hallelujah!). The girls both have toddler-sized backpacks on wheels (Dora and Diego, of course)...they both pulled these through the airport on their own. The bags were loaded down with snacks, toys, and a portable DVD player (as a backup plan). Both girls were wearing footed pajamas, pulling their backpacks behind them...each also wearing "harnesses" (or what I refer to as glorified "leashes"). I was carrying the car seat (for Sophia to sit in), my purse, and a "diaper bag" containing all of the last minute miscellaneous stuff that didn't fit anywhere else.



Let me just say that on the return trip I will check both car seats and all luggage. I will just say a lot of prayers that Sophia will actually sit in her seat the whole time without making too much of a disturbance. That car seat got heavy!! I needed to pick Sophia up and run a couple times but couldn't because of the seat. I also don't think I will bring a purse. I am pretty sure I can fit all of my "stuff" in one of the girls' bags. :)

Anyway...we made it safely to find out that my friend, Christina, had a beautiful, healthy 9 lb 4 oz baby girl today! YAY! She just had to come AFTER I left. haha. I guess I will just have to wait a couple weeks to see her.

Now I am sitting in the dark and both girls are still up. They had a looonnnggg day. We got them up at 4 a.m. and all though they took naps, they weren't very long, and they are wired. They are both laying on the floor beside my bed on an air mattress. Kailee insisted that she wanted to lay with Sophia. They keep giggling and laughing at one another and I feel like my mother saying "girls! Stop it and go to sleep. " haha. I feel old!

It is hot here. It is supposed to be in the 90's tomorrow. Ugh. Wish me luck with the handling of the heat and humidity; Monterey has spoiled me.

I'm off to sleep in hopes that the girls will decide that they, too, would like to do the same sometime before 1 a.m.

Thanks for all of the "safe/low stress travel" prayers!

Big trip to KS

The girls and I are headed to KS for 10 days starting this coming Sunday. I'm not really worried about the traveling this time around (like I have been in the past) but more so the time change/jet lag for the girls. Do I let them stay up until 9 p.m. KS time in order to stay on track? Do I put them to bed at the regular time of 7:30? How many days will it take to adjust? I'm guessing we will do what we always do and just play it by ear. This is definitely one of those times I am glad I am not the type of person who keeps the girls on a regular "schedule".

I have almost all of the laundry done and now I just have to figure out how to get this stroller into it's travel bag. I don't understand how a company can get the design of a stroller pretty spot on but can't make the bag just a tad bit larger to fit the stroller easier. I have been putting this off for several days -- I find that as soon as I start to try to get the stroller in the silly bag the girls decide it is time to crawl all over me and cry...really? I have zero patience some days.

It is kinda sad that I am blogging/complaining about my stroller not fitting in a bag. This world has so many bad things going on and this is what I have to complain about. God is so good. He has blessed me beyond measure. I'm just gonna shut up and go to bed now...thankful for the amazing life I have been blessed with.

Those moments...a very sad, personal blog.

FOREWARNING: I am writing this while pretty emotionally distraught. Do not read if you don't want to hear about a pretty personal, sad time in my life. I know I am a pretty happy-go-lucky type gal but we all have our hard times and for tonight I felt the need to write about one of mine. I am only writing this as a form of "therapy"...to talk about a truly amazing man.

Honestly, I don't even know how to start this blog. First I must say that it is rare for me to write from a place of raw emotion. I do tend to ramble in my blogs but, believe it or not, I do think things through as I am writing them. This is a little different for me but I really think it will help with the emotions I am feeling at the moment. Bare with me...

I just finished watching another one of my favorite silly shows: America's Got Talent. (yes, yes, I know...) There was a contestant that walked on stage dressed like he was from the country -- hat on backwards, large, old school sweat shirt, tennis shoes, etc. When he started talking about being from Maysville, KY and catching chickens for a living I was intrigued because it was such a stark contrast from the regular "Hollywood" scene. I just kept doing what I was doing (checking email) while I listened to the show playing in the background. Yes, folks, I can, on occasion, multi-task. :) The man, Kevin Skinnard, went on to say that he was going to sing a Garth Brooks song: If Tomorrow Never Comes.

I can't put into words how I am feeling right now. It is so weird how the most random things can bring out such a flood of pentup memories and emotions. )Luckily Seth and the girls are in bed or else they might think I had lost my mind. haha)

So, anway, this guys starts to sing and though he is not amazing...he can sing pretty well. For some reason, he really reminded me of my step dad, Lonnie. Lonnie died of cancer almost 7 years ago. When he got sick it was really hard for me because my mom and Lonnie had gotten a divorce (I was still in high school) and he was remarried to someone else. I didn't see him a lot...but I loved him so much it hurt. Let me say that although I have a good relationship with my dad now, he wasn't always there (and I'm not pointing fingers here -- I don't know who's fault it was...it depends on who you ask), Lonnie was. He was there those times in my life when I needed a dad there for the every day, day-to-day. At the time Lonnie died I was dating a horrible guy and just got so consumed with my own life that I didn't visit much...I kick myself for this all the time. I'm sure he wasn't perfect but I didn't see that at the time...even now. He was a great man. He had an infectious spirit. Lonnie understood me...there are so many little things that I could go into right now that were so great about him -- the small, every day things -- but I won't bore you with that. ha. Let's just say that Lonnie was "country" through and through. I have changed a lot in the last 7 years and gone away from my "country" ways. Some people think I have changed for the better and some think I have changed for the worse. Lonnie would have loved me for who I was and who I had become. He was an amazing man...and he didn't even realize it. There are very few people in my family who have this unconditional, no boundaries type love. I can't even say I have that all the time...

I desperately wish Seth could have met Lonnie. They would have loved each other. haha. I can just hear him saying to Seth: "West Point? What's that?" Because those things didn't matter to him. It was all about love and family. My girls would have LOVED him and he them!

I have asked God many times "why?". Obviously I don't know that answer and won't until I join them in Heaven some day. Lonnie wasn't a religious person. I don't think he ever stepped foot in a church in all the time he and my mom were married. We never really talked about it. I became a Christian in the summer of 1996 while my mom and Lonnie were still married. I prayed for my family (a lot) to come to know Christ. It wasn't until Lonnie was laying in the hospital bed the day before he died that he did come to know Him. I vividly remember it. I had brought my Bible with me that day to see him because I was concerned that no one had talked to him about the life to come after his life here with us. I would have never forgiven myself if I hadn't at least tried. I spoke to Lonnie's wife and told her my intent; she informed me that a preacher had come to talk to Lonnie earlier in the day. When I walked in a walked over to him, gaunt and barely "with us", my heart ached. He didn't really recognize anyone at this point -- it was hit and miss. He kept the morphine button in his hand all the time and would hit it over and over. He looked over at me and the same old spark came back in his eye just long enough for me to know that he knew who I was and that I was there. He put that button down and reached for me. My memory fails me now and I can't remember what "term of endearment" he used at the moment but he definitely knew who I was. My heart soared and at the same time it was breaking and there was a piece of it that would be gone forever. I put on a smile and walked over to him, taking his hand. He looked at me and said "I'm praying for you." I can't even begin to describe how that felt. There are no words. How could someone who was lying here in this bed, within hours of dying, be praying for me? This God we serve is amazing! To know that I will see Lonnie again...to hear him sing Red Sovine's "Daddy's Girl" in that deep voice with a country twange to me again...

I miss him so much and though I am not ready to leave this world, I look forward to the day we meet again. I love you, Lonnie. I will tell my girls about you and I will never forget. I pray they, too, will meet you someday.

Finding joy and appreciation in/for the unexpected intercessor(s)

Throughout my life I have learned that there are many different types of people in this world. I have heard the saying "It takes all kinds..." more times than I can begin to recall. I truly think that as we grow into ourselves (the selves that God ultimately would have us become and realize we are), we outgrow friends. I believe that there are three types of friends: 1) friends that are brought into our lives for a short time and teach us something about ourselves, 2) Life long friends that totally "get" you and understand that you develop and change throughout life and they continue to appreciate you for who you are and what you can bring to one anothers' lives. This second set of friends are the ones you can sit in the same room with and not say a word but leave feeling fulfilled and 3) A friend that is unlike you in so many ways that it just seems like the friendship could never work to the outsider, yet when you talk to or hang out with that person somehow it just works.

In my lifetime I have had a lot of friends that fall into the first category. These are the friends you might work with for a couple years, you hang out with, and then when you (or the other person) leaves their job, you move on; most of the time, better (or more well-rounded) for knowing the person. I have also found that I have a lot of friends in this category that I never thought would be in this category while I was actually in the friendship; most of my high school friends fall into this category. People change.

(*WARNING: I am about to rant for just a second*)
There is nothing that drives me more crazy than when someone doesn't just appreciate the friendship for what it was and accept that sometimes people change...and just because they change doesn't mean that they think they are "better than you" or "above you" it just means that they are a different person. I think change is healthy. I am the same person that I was in high school and yet I am not. My personality is the same but my views on life are quite a bit different. ENJOY PEOPLE FOR WHO THEY ARE--NOT WHAT YOU WANT THEM TO BE.

(*Stepping off my soap box*)

I, also, have had (and still have) the privilege of having the second type of friend. Actually, I can say I have 3 VERY CLOSE friends...I guess some call them "best friends". Amazingly, my three best friends (I love you guys!) are all very different people -- different from each other and, in a lot of ways, different from myself. But these are definitely the women I know I can turn to for anything...at any time.

...and then there are the third type of friends. These are the types of friends that actually prompted the writing of this email. In my experience, the friendship is so unlikely and then you actually sit down and talk to this person and you find that on some level you really "click". I do think this third type of friend can (and will), more than likely, also fall into one of the aforementioned categories.

I was on the phone with my SIL the other day and for some reason it just dawned on me that we are so different and yet we really enjoy one another's company (or at least, I enjoy hers -- haha). It is a lot of fun hanging out with her. There are a lot of ways that we are different but the biggest difference is our view of religion and politics (the two big ones!). I am a Christian and she is atheist (I think). :) I am pretty conservative and she is pretty liberal. The more I think of our differences, the more I am amazed we can even be in the same room with one another. haha. And yet, she has come to visit me on more than one occasion (even flying all the way across the country to visit in NC once).

So, how does this third type of friendship happen? Who knows. I think they should just be appreciated for what they are. My SIL has completely different religious views than myself. Many Christians would say this is a bad thing. That I shouldn't intermingle with someone with different beliefs than myself. I have to disagree. Although she does not agree with me on this level, she has taught me to see other people's viewpoints and take them for what they are...Do we always have to agree with one another? Of course not. Do I wish she were a Christian? Of course I do. I would be lying if I said I didn't. Do I push my religious beliefs on her? No. If she decides to believe in Jesus as the sacrificial Savior and God as the omnipotent "being" that he is (I am sure she might think "what if God is a 'she'?" here - haha) then that is up to her...it is not my place to make her uncomfortable and it is not my place to judge. There is only one Judge and it most certainly isn't me.

I guess that is partially what it boils down to. The main thing we both have in common is the fact that we aren't judgemental.

You know, I just don't know. I think that somewhere deep down, you just have a "connection" with a person/people that is natural. I believe that God does this for a reason. Do I think he sent my SIL my way?...of course I do...and I will continue to thank him for this unexpected intercessor in my life. :)

(*sidenote) As I was looking for a picture for this blog it dawned on me that the third types of friendship are like the lion and the lamp. ;)


FYI: I started this email a week or two ago and am just now sitting down to finish it. This has taught me something -- ALWAYS finish your thoughts before stopping because my point has been diminished someone because my thought process has been thrown off track. Sheesh...I was on a roll...that is what I get for stopping 1/2 way through -- I forgot 1/2 the things I wanted to say.

Money saving ideas...can be complicated but it doesn't have to bed...

So, I have been asked several times this week how I find such good deals and/or how I save money when shopping online. I thought I would share a couple of my secrets. ;)

First, before I buy anything (and oftentimes I am not even buying anything but want to see what sort of deals are posted for the day, I visit [url=slickdeals.net]THIS[/url] site. The site takes a little getting used to. The front page are the headlined "super hot" deals for the day (and the past few days). The moderators decide what go on this page. If there is something in particular you are looking for a good deal on, just go to the search engine at the top right side of the page and type what you are looking for in the search box. The listings pop up in order of most recent posting. This is my go-to site for everything before buying. Not only can I find info on sales but there are also places on the site to search for freebies, coupons, etc. There is even a place to just chat or to start a thread asking for someone to help you find a good deal on something. I don't usually use a lot of the features of the site but if you just look around, you can find some pretty interesting stuff.

Daily I do a search for children, childrens, baby, and stroller. ;) Some days nothing pops up and some days great deals like the P&T and Baby Jogger pop up. YAY!!

Another site I use is [url=www.bigcrumbs.com]Bigcrumbs.com[/url]. This is a cash back site that is attached to your Paypal account. I have been using this for about a year (or more) now and I love it. The cash back isn't always a ton depending on the company. You can even get cash back on eBay. It is a percentage of the seller's fees. :) To me, pennies add up.

There is a whole other side to Big Crumbs that might appeal to some and may not appeal to others. It is actually a reputable site (backed by the Better Business Bureau -- or else I would have never tried it) to make money, not just save money. It is like one of those pyramid deals where when I make money, you make money...except that it is really legitimate. I started using this while I was running my eBay business to generate a little extra income. I would give people the website and my referral name and when they bought something later, whether it was from eBay or any other website, I got cash back for their purchases too. WOO HOO!

So, if you decide to use Big Crumbs, when you first sign up for your account you have to decide if you want to be a “crumb earner” or a “crumb saver”. Once you decide, you can’t change it. If you are a crumb earner, you get a high cash back percentage from other peoples’ purchases and less cash back from your own purchases. If you are a crumb saver, it is the other way around. The crumb saver status is designed for people who do more shopping for themselves, the crumb earner status is more for people who are going to try to spread the word and make money from other peoples’ purchases. This is what I did and sometimes (especially now that I am not running the eBay deal anymore) I kick myself for it.

Big Crumbs has 100’s of stores to get cash back from…including the normal ones: Target, Walmart, etc…

Anyway…if you have any questions about Big Crumbs, let me know and I will try to help.

If you do sign up, please add me as your “referrer” at the bottom of the sign up page: mrsmarycandice . This way, every time you buy something, I make a few cents too. ;) Don’t worry, it doesn’t show me what you are buying, just that I made a few cents. Woo Hoo!!

All of this to say -- when I start shopping for something, I always start at these two sites.

P.S. One of the best deals I have gotten on Big Crumbs is through Letstalk.com (linking through Big Crumbs). If can get as much as $67.50 back!! YEAH!!!

There is one more website and it, too, is tied to your Paypal account. Basically, Microsoft paired up with a search engine company, Live.com, and started paying people if they went to live.com to search (instead of say, Yahoo) and then purchased something from a site like eBay. At one point, the live.com cash back amount for eBay Buy-It-Now purchases was around 35-40%!! Right now it is only 8% but I think it will probably go up again. In order to take advantage of the 8% cash back through live.com (now called Bing.com -- they just sold out to Bing), just go to Bing.com and in the upper right corner of the page, click “extras, your cash back account”. On the next page, click “sign up”. IF YOU ALREADY HAVE A HOTMAIL ACCT, YOU DON’T HAVE TO SIGN UP, ONLY SIGN IN. You will have to create a live.com/hotmail account. (It is soo worth it). Once you jump through all of the hoops of setting up an acct (or not), it should direct you to attach this to your Paypal account.

After doing this, go back to Bing.com and click “extras, your cash back acct” again. Now that you already have an acct, just sign in. This page shows all of your pending cash back purchases (sometimes it takes 60 days for the cash back to clear and others it takes 24 hours). On the left side of the page click “shopping”. Scroll down about ½ way and click “see all stores”. This will give you a list of stores and how much cash back you get for shopping at that particular store.

On Bing, eBay does not show up under the listed “stores”. You have to access it in sort of a strange way (and, yes, I have done this -- haha). For cash back on eBay purchases through Bing.com (This is almost always better than Big Crumbs), go to Bing.com and in the search box, type in “Wii”. (Don’t ask). The first thing that pops up will be a link to eBay. It will have a little gold coin beside it saying you can get 8% cashback with paypal if eligible. If you link your Bing.com acct to your Paypal acct (see above) you are eligible. Click this link. This will take you to eBay with search results for the Nintendo Wii showing. From here, just do your search the normal way and when you click the button to make your purchase (IT HAS TO BE A BUY-IT-NOW ITEM), you will see a spot on the next page (confirmation) that shows the amount of cash back you will receive. Again, right now eBay is 8% but it does go up…


I will usually compare Big Crumbs and Bing.com to see who has the better cash back. It fluctuates with both (more so with bing.com).


I KNOW THIS SEEMS LIKE A LOT TO TAKE IT BUT IT REALLY ISN’T THAT BAD. J Let me know if you guys don’t understand or just don’t care…It will not bother me at all. Hashanah

Good luck shopping.

Two boxes...I choose neither -- I choose God.

A few days ago I left myself a "note" on my blog to write about something that often comes to my attention as a mother. The toll society takes on us...

I should forewarn my readers that I am pretty much just going to ramble where my thoughts take me as I write this. There will, more than likely, not be much "flow" and continuity.

Since I became a mother my circle of friends has changed drastically. During 4.5 years of college, I worked in retail sales so that I could afford to pay rent, buy clothes, etc. In the sales field, there are many more men than women. On top of being surrounded by guys at work, I tended to migrate toward guys in class too. Women, especially in college, tended to be too catty for my taste. All of this being said, all of my friends (or almost all) in college were guys. Even after I got married, I kept many of the same friends (adding my husband to the top of the list, of course).

I got pregnant the month I graduated from college and continued to work in sales during this time. In December 2005, we moved to NC and this is when my circle/type of friends changed. I met a lot of my neighbors and started developing friendships there. I also joined a mommy's group and a "new mommies" Bible study. I didn't intentionally do these things to hang out with women, but because it just so happened that they had kids and I needed interaction with other people with children. It can really be lonely after having a new baby and moving to a new city all within a couple months. The mommies group that I joined was just what I thought a group of women getting together would be -- catty. I met a couple amazing women in the Mommies Bible study, one of these people soon became one of my best friends in the whole world! It was at this point, meeting Erin and the ladies from my neighborhood when I realized that I really NEEDED interaction with these women. It gave me a chance to talk about the things that other guys (especially those without children) just couldn't understand...Erin also became my Christian soundboard. She was the one I went to for Godly advice and friendship.

I have moved twice since leaving NC (gotta love the Army). Speaking of the Army (I warned you that I would ramble!!), that is another reason that the friendship of women, especially those with children, became so important. This is the reason I loved my neighbors so much. We were all in the same boat. Our husbands' deployed and we were left there with one another. I NEEDED those evening walks with the ladies even if we just complained to one another and ate baked treats. :) (on a side note, although I am loving my life right now, I really miss those times even still).

Since leaving NC, I have lived in KS and Monterey, CA. In both places, I just had this ache to meet other women in the same life circumstances as myself. In KS, it wasn't so easy. I joined a mommies group that was very "cliquey" and left after only a couple months. Right before I left KS, I met a woman that seemed to be a lot like myself and joined the group she was a part of. I really enjoyed it but was only there for a few short months before moving to Monterey. In Monterey, I joined a group and felt instantly connected. I love it!

Ok...so there is a reason for all of the background information. I have been surrounded by mommies (of one form or another) since Kailee was born. In this time (just over 3 years), I have, over and over, heard comments from these women about the way they do things and how they sometimes feel bad about them. Sometimes these things aren't said, but they are definitely implied.

For example, I have known (and still know) several moms who had a hard time nursing (breast feeding) their children and so they decided not to do it or they tried and it just didn't work. I can't count the number of times I could actually feel the "shame" (I'm not sure if that is the best word for this situation, but it is the closest thing I can come up with) that they were feeling. What causes this? I actually heard myself tell someone the other day (another Christian mom) that I sometimes feel bad/guilty because I don't want to have more children. First off, anyone who knows me knows that I tend to just say what I think about myself (I tend to not do this so much about others unless I know them very well)...I wear my heart on my sleeve; I am an emotional person -- definitely not rational in most situations (this is one of the reasons I married Seth; he is my rational half). Secondly, I am not usually the type of person to say something to elicit a reaction/comments out of someone. I tend to be pretty blunt about my feelings (as long as it isn't at the expense of someone else). So, why did I say this? I wondered this on my way home from the play date... Honestly, it is because I do sometimes feel bad (again, not the best choice of word) about being on birth control and being happy with just the two children I already have and not wanting to expand my family. Why is this? I'm not sure...that is the reason for this blog. I don't feel guilty, really. It is more like -- there are so many people out there that can't have children and here I am -- a healthy 27 year old. Also, as a Christian, sometimes you (I) feel like I am judged by this decision I have made not to have 100 kids...Maybe this is why I said this to another lady that I knew was a Christian...to elicit a response, to see what she thought. Sadly, I was happy to hear her say, "What? Why?" (*wiping my brow*) Whew! Maybe I'm not a horrible person!? Ok, so that is a bit over the top ...haha.

What is it that makes us feel this way as mothers?? Is it societal views? I just don't know if I can pin it on that because society accepts so many other things as ok. Maybe it is just the circles that I keep...?? Maybe these women (the breast feeding women) feel like they will be judged by the women who did nurse their children? I really don't know. I just know that why I said the aforementioned thing (above) to the woman in my group; I almost kicked myself as soon as I said it because really I don't feel bad, I just feel like I am not living up to my role as a Christian -- in some people's viewpoints. Then there is the question of: Why do I even care what people think of me? Really, the only person I should care about impressing/pleasing is God. He is my creator/judge. I know this in my head, but when it comes down to it, I also want to make other people happy with who I am.

I am going to say something right now that would probably send my mom over the edge...really. I AM HAPPY WITH WHO I AM...at least for the most part. I know I am not perfect. The Bible is very clear on that point. The only perfect person that ever walked the face of this Earth is Jesus Christ. I do things sometimes that I wish I could take back -- saying something mean about someone, thinking something mean about someone, telling a white lie, not spending enough time with Him...but as far as the person I have evolved to be...I like this person. It has taken me a long time to get here.

(I know I am totally off subject, but who cares...) I remember a time in high school (high school, people--not middle school, not elementary school) that my sister was brushing my hair, or playing with my hair (this was pretty unusual really). My mom was sitting on the bed with us and Tiffany pulled my hair or something (by accident) and I exclaimed that, "ouch, that hurts". Tiffany said that she was just trying to make my hair look pretty. I remember being upset by her saying that (ok, so maybe I was a little sensitive back then) and saying back that I already had pretty hair. For those of you who knew me in HS, know that this really wasn't the case but I digress... I can still remember the look of shock and disgust on my mom's face when she told me that I was so conceited just like my cousin (who everyone thought was conceited, I guess -- I don't really remember why). This still sticks with me to this day. Really? Are women not allowed to think they are pretty without being put into the conceited box?

Are there two boxes: conceited and not conceited, breastfeeder (child nurturer) and not a breastfeeder (non-child nurturer), one or another. Can't their be a middle ground. Do I have to fit in society's box to be fully accepted and not looked down on by one group or another? Can't someone like the way they look without being conceited? Can't someone be an amazing mother without breastfeeding their child? Can't someone still be a Christian with zeal for life without wanting to have "as many kids as the Lord blesses me with"? I mean, really? This drives me crazy!! Where do people get these ideas?

So, society or...what? I just don't know. All I know is that no matter what it is, starting now (after typing through my thoughts), I am going to strive to please only One...God. Does anything else really matter?

I know, I know...

...I'm a slacker. I am going to try to get around to blogging tomorrow.

Taking a moment

I have been cleaning house and doing laundry on and off all day so I thought I would take a minute and write a quick blog while I am trying to avoid the AI results that I am sure will be all over the internet very soon. Sheesh. Why can't California be normal and allow us to watch the show live with the rest of the world?

Today has been a pretty good day. Kailee often reminds me of what a slacker of a mother I can be sometimes...and how she refuses to be ignored. haha. Today Kailee was asking to watch a cartoon since Sophia was napping (because this is the only time she is allowed to watch cartoons) and I told her to wait just a minute because I was checking my email. A couple minutes later (after I had moved on from email and was checking facebook...haha) she asked again. I told her to hold on a minute. The next thing I know she has walked across the room and is standing beside me with the remote in her hand. She told me that she wanted to show me something and proceeded to tell me that I could do both things at once. So, she took the remote in one hand (telling me to watch) and she put her other hand on the keyboard of the computer and started to press buttons. She said "see, you can use the computer and turn on cartoons at the same time." I couldn't help but to laugh because, first of all, she is only 3 (and 3 months old) and secondly, because she called me out without even realizing it. I definitely should have turned on the cartoon since I had told her I would when Sophia laid down for a nap. She is so doggon cute!

I love the moments when she does or says something like that. It really fills my heart with love and joy. Though they may drive me crazy sometimes, I couldn't imagine my life without my girls! God has blessed me so tremendously. I will praise Him forever!

All of this being said, right now I think it is cute when Kailee says something off hand such as this but someday it is going to turn into a situation like this:

The toll society can take on us...

I have been thinking a lot about some of the things we, as mothers, say or do sometimes and how we allow (subconsciously?) society to mold the way we do things; whether it be the way we discipline our children, our parenting style, breastfeeding or not breastfeeding. I could really go on and on.

It is late and I am exhausted so I am going to bed but I wanted to say something about it so it will remind me later to expatiate on these thoughts. :)

Part 2...emotions.

I'm not even really sure how to broach the subject of emotions during deployments. First of all, you have to say goodbye. The goodbye seems to be one of the hardest parts...How do you say goodbye to the person you love more than anyone else in this world? How do you expect your children to say goodbye when they think that it is only for a short time...a trip to the grocery store for milk, a mid-day run, some time alone? How do you explain that night, as you put your beautiful, innocent children to sleep, that daddy isn't coming home tonight (or any night soon)? Just reading these thoughts as I type them brings up a well of emotions. I guess the best word to describe it is: heart-breaking. The other word that comes to mind is desperation. Desperate for one more hug, one more kiss, one more laugh, to hear him read one more night time story to the girls, to see him glance at me from across the room with those penetrating eyes, to hear him tell Kailee a "once upon a time" as she lays in bed at night...My heart literally hurts just thinking about it.

That is how we (military families) survive the emotional train wreck of deployments. We detach ourselves. We don't think about it. We just move...we just do. We do the dishes, we mow the lawn, we take our children for walks, we read the bedtime stories, we give them unconditional love, we let it slip (just this once...) when our children are misbehaving because, after all, how else do they show emotion? They miss daddy too. And when we hear the cry "I want daddy" during timeouts or after waking up from a bad dream, we just hold our little ones and cry with them saying, "I ,baby, Daddy loves you, and he'll be home soon".

I wish I could say that I am always strong in these situations. The truth is...I am weak. The worst deployment for me was only a 3 month tryst in Timbuktu, Mali, Africa. I longed for Seth...in every sense of the word. Kailee was young and I just felt like I was falling apart emotionally. I have heard people say that you should never tell your soldier about your emotional distress or if bad things are going on at home. I have heard that you should just deal with it because you shouldn't put your husband (in my case) in danger while he is deployed. "He needs to focus on his objective and nothing else -- He needs to stay alive." I will be the first to say that I think I am a strong person, but I couldn't bring myself to do this. During his short time in Mali, I can remember us both having complete meltdowns on the phone. It was hard. On one hand, I didn't want him to see this weakness in me but on the other hand, if I completely separated myself from the situation emotionally (which some people do -- to get through), I'm not sure our marriage would still be as strong as it is today. I can't just turn it on and off. Once you separate yourself like that, it is hard to get back...sometimes people never do. I truly believe this is one of the reasons divorce is so prevalent among the military.

This was the deployment that we decided Seth would get out of the Army. I NEEDED him. I wanted him to hug his daughter, to put his arms around me, to read her bedtime stories in person, not through a video he recorded before he left. Every night we would push play on the video to hear Seth repeating "In the great green room, there was a telephone..." My heart broke for Seth to have to be away from Kailee, and her from him. Will she remember it now? No. But he will. He will always know that he missed those times in her life. If I didn't love my husband, this would be easier to stomach, but I do. I love him with ever fiber of my being and it when he hurts, I hurt.

Are deployments hard? Yes. Do they sometimes feel like they are draining the life out of your family? Yes. Is God good? Yes. Does he have a plan? Yes.

Even after writing all of this and reliving the emotions that come along with it, I ask myself: Is being a military wife/mom worth it?

Yes. (Hindsight is 20/20)

(*more to come*)

Being a military spouse and mom (part 1: deployments)

There are lots of bad things that can be said about being a military mom/spouse. I could definitely compile a list and that list would definitely be longer while my husband is deployed (and I am hating the Army life x 1000). That would be the first thing on my list: deployments. There is no easy way of saying it: DEPLOYMENTS STINK! (If I was a "cussing" person, I could probably come up with many more colorful descriptions that would put this one to shame). Not only do deployments effect the immediate family (wife/husband and children) of those deployed but they also effect family and friends. Seth's first deployment came not long after the "Fight on terror" started in 2003. That wasn't when deployments first touched our lives, though. Seth had several friends (including his best friend, John) that couldn't make it to the grand occasion of our wedding in March of 2003 because they were on the first wave of deployments after the war started. This was my first taste of the Army/military life. Seth deployed in 2004 to Iraq for 6 months. I know! I had it easy. My best friend's husband was gone for 15 months (and they had already had their precious little girl).

...and then Kailee came. :) Of course, in the military, there are 3 types of babies: pre-deployment babies, post-deployment babies, and R&R babies. Kailee was a post-deployment baby. While Seth was deployed, I couldn't help but think that if something DID happen to him, I wouldn't have anything to remember him by. I know it sounds weird but at the time, this is truly what I was thinking. Deployments really mess with your mind, your emotions. It was rough. War-time emotions were running on high at the time -- with EVERYONE, not just the military families. I was working in a mall through college and I can't count the number of times some bumbling idiot (yes, I know that isn't very nice) would come into the store ranting about how he was mad at the soldiers (of all people!) for being in Iraq because they chose to join the military. Are you kidding me?!!? I was irate. How could someone be mad at the soldiers??? I still can't make since of that one. I am truly one of those people that think believe that you don't/didn't have to agree with the war (or the reasons we were there) to support the troops. My point is this -- you can't really understand the military lifestyle unless you are living it. It is a constant push and pull.

All of this being said and as strange as this may sounds, deployments really brought out the best in me as a mother. When Seth was/is home, I rely on him for help with the girls, pets, house, etc. In doing this, I often found/find myself slacking in these areas -- thinking that Seth could read the girls (or, at the time, it was only Kailee) a story, he could change the poopy diaper, he could unload the dishwasher, he could mow the lawn...I equate Seth being deployed to taking a full load of classes in college (like 19 or 20 hours). I did this one semester and it made me stay "on the ball". I had not time to slack. If I allowed myself that moment of weakness, it would be like an avalanche; my grades would take a turn for the worse very quickly. The same can be said about deployments (in my case, that is). When Seth is gone, somehow, it was, dare I say, easier? Physically, easier -- I had no choice, as a parent, but to do everything in my power to cater to Kailee's best interests. She wanted a story, she got it. The yard needed to be mowed, I did it. Everything stayed in order because I felt that is the one thing I had control of. If I were to let just one thing slip, it would all go spiraling out of my control.

Emotionally, this was another story and this is what inevitably led to Seth getting out of the Army all together...

(*more to come*)

Escaping...even if for just a second.

I have locked myself in the "office" because I am about to go crazy...Sophia is soo clingy right now because she is sick. I would actually love that if it weren't for the fact that not only is she sick and clingy but she is also VERY whiny...even while holding her. She screams and climbs all over me. What happened to my happy child? She is usually happy even when she is sick.

hahaha. Kailee is standing at the door trying to get in (I don't even think she knows I am in here) and can't figure out why the door is locked. She is hitting all of the light switches -- haha -- I guess she thinks that will magically unlock the door. Hilarious.

The really funny thing is that Seth just came to the door and, through the glass, told me that he was going to the bathroom but that the girls were playing ok. Something about this struck me as very funny...I am laughing even now. What do the guys think we do during the day when we have to go to the bathroom? hahahaha. Oh wait, our children come in there with us. Ugh.

I guess I should go check to make sure they are ok...I keep hearing Kailee say "Daddy? Daddy?" It will click in just a second that daddy is locked in the bathroom and mommy is who-knows-where -- hmmm... -- maybe behind that locked door. hahahaha.

randomness...loving my children...

First off, let me say that I hope my last blog wasn't misinterpreted by some of my readers. I LOVE my children and I am glad that I can stay at home with them. I enjoy the time I have with them and I wouldn't change it for anything. What I don't like is what makes up the "homemaker" part of being a stay-at-home-mom. I would love to be able to spend ALL of my time concentrating on my girls and not on the cooking and cleaning aspect. I know that this is what God has in store for my life right now and that is why I do what I do.

Now that I covered that...

I had a nice afternoon out with the girls today. Sophia has croup so we haven't been able to go to any play dates lately (for fear of getting the other children sick) so yesterday I stayed in and mopped the floors (on my hands and knees - ugh!) and today the girls and I went to Chipotle for lunch. It was nice.

It's kinda funny: When I bring up the subject of going out to eat with the girls, Seth almost always says/implies that going out to eat with the girls is not an enjoyable experience...and, unfortunately, sometimes he is right but I really enjoy going out to eat with them some times. We walked around a couple shops at Del Monte Center and then sat down to eat a relatively relaxing lunch. We then went into a toy store and walked around for a few minutes. I was pretty amazed at the amount of self control that Kailee can show when she really wants to. That being said, I have no problem bribing my children -- if the time is right. :) I told them that we would go to the water fountain (a large outdoor water fountain with metal sculptures of seals and sea otter) if they were good...and they were.

I really love it when I have "moments" with my girls. I know it sounds odd but everthing just seemed perfect in those 10 minutes that we played near the water. The sun had just broke through the clouds and it was shining down on this large fountain and my girls were laughing and chasing the birds. It was quite enjoyable.

I really love my children and I pray for them all day, every day. I pray that God will put a hedge of protection around them all the days of their lives. I pray that He will open their eyes to His glory and that they will follow Him all the days of their lives. God is amazing! I can only pray that Seth and I are able to do this parenting thing the way that God would have us do it...so that our children love and obey Him for the rest of their lives...

My mom always tells me that there is no handbook for parenting (as a way "out") but I have to disagree. The Bible tells us a lot about parenting and I am so grateful for that...really, though, Jesus was/is the ultimate example of love and compassion. Many times when I am angry with my girls or upset about the way they are acting I have to take a deep breath and remind myself that they are only on loan and that God has entrusted them into our care...AND there are many times that I just blow up and yell. Is it right? No. Am I perfect? No. I have to just keep trying...and I will -- for the rest of my life. They are soo worth it.

The struggle between mind and body, who I am vs. who I need to be

There are many days that pass that I wish parts of my personality were different than they are. Let me explain: I can get really excited about doing something like (in this case) making a dinner menu, picking up the ingredients, making, and freezing enough meals for a week (or two). This would make things a lot less time consuming in the evening.

So...I made the menu, bought most of the ingredients, and put everything in the refrigerator so that on Saturday (today!) I could start this new endeavor. I ate breakfast this morning and set out to do just this. However, I just don't want to do it. I am standing in the kitchen, cook book open, thinking "why am I doing this again?" Why can't I just have the personality of a woman who likes to cook, clean, and take care of her family. I mean, I do like to take care of my family but I could definitely go without the cooking and cleaning part. :)

It comes down to this: Should I conform to what people think I should be as a housewife/stay-at-home-mom or should I conform the role to myself. I choose the latter -- but then I feel bad about it. I don't know...it is really a struggle between the mind and body, what I feel I need to be and what I really am.

*Sorry for the poor editing*

I love my children and my husband more than anything in this world - does this mean I have to love the role as a housewive? When I think of this I think of my sister-in-law, Ellen. I have to say that I respect the fact that this is what she wants for herself. She knows she wants to be a mother and housewife and I am sure she will be great at it. She enjoys staying home all day cooking, cleaning, and (when the time comes) taking care of her children. *sigh* I sometimes wish I could be content in doing these things but then I feel like I am fighting who I really am. I liken it to a paragraph in the book "Eclipse". The main character is standing at her refrigerator lining up magnets when she realized that the two strongest magnets mess up the alignment of all of the other magnets. The only way to get them to line up is to flip over (change) the strong magnet. So, I realize I can either conform or change -- sitting her typing this now I am realizing that the latter is not really an option. I like who I am. I just need to find a way to mold my personality around this role as a housewife. Have I ever mentioned that I REALLY dislike that term? Ugh.

I just can't believe that I have been doing this for over 3 years now and I still haven't figured it out. I just keep fighting who I am...Can I really blame it on society? I don't know. I guess I will keep working to find the right balance and tweek it as I go.

Fear of poop. Yep, that's right...

So, it is bath time for my children again. This is one of those mommy chores that I DO NOT look forward to. It used to be that I just didn't like it. If someone asked me why, I wouldn't have an answer...I just don't like it. That being said, unfortunately, neither does Seth so somehow the task is usually deferred to me; unless, of course, I actually ask Seth and the reply I get most of the time is "Do they really need one tonight?" Ugh. (*sigh*) I guess it's my turn to fish out the poop again tonight.

Yes, you read that right. My dear little angelic (*pure sarcasm*) Sophia waits the entire day -- until the moment she is in the bathtub -- to poop. ARE YOU KIDDING ME???
I cringe when I hear Kailee scream "MOOOOMMMMM!!! Sophia pooped in the bath tub!" I rush in to find Kailee standing on the tips of her toes in the corner of the bathtub as far away from the stinky submarine floating in the tub. Let me remind you that most of the time I can't even see it because of all of the bubbles. YUCK!!!

I take a deep breath (willing my head NOT to explode) and wrap Kailee in a towel as I get her out of the tub, do the same with Sophia -- sitting her on the toddler "potty seat" that attaches to the "big girl potty (and praying she doesn't fall in because she doesn't exactly know how to sit on it yet), fish out all of the toys and put them in the sink (spraying them with LOTS of Lysol), and procede to let the water out and clean up the nasty mess...all the while I am praying that there is more hot water. Apparently, the owner of the rental here thought it would be funny to get the smallest hot water heater known to man... So, I Lysol the tub, run more water, and put the girls back in.



Seriously...did I sign up for this? What was I thinking???

I. don't. want. to. do. it!!!

I guess I could just let my darling angels (*ugh*) go without a bath for a week, a month, the rest of their lives??? Oh wait, I have to live with them...so, off I go to do the unfathomable...wish me luck!

Just ramblings...

So, I have FINALLY decided that it is time to start a blog. At the end of every day I lay in bed and wonder why I didn't just write down my thoughts (via a journal) and I have come to the conclusion that it just takes too long to write in a journal (and I get hand cramps because I just don't do it enough). Anyways, here I am...finally doing it. :)

I honestly have no idea how often I will do this or how interesting it will be but who cares? :)

Many times I get up in the morning thinking "here goes another day". By this time Sophia is in the crib crying to get out and I can hear the pitter patter of Kailee's little feet coming into my room. Before I know it, she is standing beside my bed either saying "Mommy, mommy (because I ignore her the first time...haha), I'm hungry" or "Mommy, I want to cuddle". I always prefer the latter. So, on the days when she says "I'm hungry", I usually ask her if she wants to cuddle first and she crawls into bed with me and starts twirling my hair around her little fingers. I like it when my day starts this way...and then we have to get out of bed. Ugh. :)

I have told myself over and over that I really, REALLY need to get to bed early and set my alarm to get up before the girls but it just hasn't happened yet. I really enjoy my evenings and I usually stretch them out far longer than I should have. By the time I crawl into bed at night I am thinking, "Tomorrow, I am definitely going to bed earlier" and it just seems to never happen.

I. need. a. vacation. Somewhere hot and exotic...away from everything. Don't get me wrong, I love my life but sometimes I just want a break. :)

Ok. Enough with the randomness -- life goes on. I have to get Sophia up from her short nap and start dinner. More to come...