Two boxes...I choose neither -- I choose God.

A few days ago I left myself a "note" on my blog to write about something that often comes to my attention as a mother. The toll society takes on us...

I should forewarn my readers that I am pretty much just going to ramble where my thoughts take me as I write this. There will, more than likely, not be much "flow" and continuity.

Since I became a mother my circle of friends has changed drastically. During 4.5 years of college, I worked in retail sales so that I could afford to pay rent, buy clothes, etc. In the sales field, there are many more men than women. On top of being surrounded by guys at work, I tended to migrate toward guys in class too. Women, especially in college, tended to be too catty for my taste. All of this being said, all of my friends (or almost all) in college were guys. Even after I got married, I kept many of the same friends (adding my husband to the top of the list, of course).

I got pregnant the month I graduated from college and continued to work in sales during this time. In December 2005, we moved to NC and this is when my circle/type of friends changed. I met a lot of my neighbors and started developing friendships there. I also joined a mommy's group and a "new mommies" Bible study. I didn't intentionally do these things to hang out with women, but because it just so happened that they had kids and I needed interaction with other people with children. It can really be lonely after having a new baby and moving to a new city all within a couple months. The mommies group that I joined was just what I thought a group of women getting together would be -- catty. I met a couple amazing women in the Mommies Bible study, one of these people soon became one of my best friends in the whole world! It was at this point, meeting Erin and the ladies from my neighborhood when I realized that I really NEEDED interaction with these women. It gave me a chance to talk about the things that other guys (especially those without children) just couldn't understand...Erin also became my Christian soundboard. She was the one I went to for Godly advice and friendship.

I have moved twice since leaving NC (gotta love the Army). Speaking of the Army (I warned you that I would ramble!!), that is another reason that the friendship of women, especially those with children, became so important. This is the reason I loved my neighbors so much. We were all in the same boat. Our husbands' deployed and we were left there with one another. I NEEDED those evening walks with the ladies even if we just complained to one another and ate baked treats. :) (on a side note, although I am loving my life right now, I really miss those times even still).

Since leaving NC, I have lived in KS and Monterey, CA. In both places, I just had this ache to meet other women in the same life circumstances as myself. In KS, it wasn't so easy. I joined a mommies group that was very "cliquey" and left after only a couple months. Right before I left KS, I met a woman that seemed to be a lot like myself and joined the group she was a part of. I really enjoyed it but was only there for a few short months before moving to Monterey. In Monterey, I joined a group and felt instantly connected. I love it!

Ok...so there is a reason for all of the background information. I have been surrounded by mommies (of one form or another) since Kailee was born. In this time (just over 3 years), I have, over and over, heard comments from these women about the way they do things and how they sometimes feel bad about them. Sometimes these things aren't said, but they are definitely implied.

For example, I have known (and still know) several moms who had a hard time nursing (breast feeding) their children and so they decided not to do it or they tried and it just didn't work. I can't count the number of times I could actually feel the "shame" (I'm not sure if that is the best word for this situation, but it is the closest thing I can come up with) that they were feeling. What causes this? I actually heard myself tell someone the other day (another Christian mom) that I sometimes feel bad/guilty because I don't want to have more children. First off, anyone who knows me knows that I tend to just say what I think about myself (I tend to not do this so much about others unless I know them very well)...I wear my heart on my sleeve; I am an emotional person -- definitely not rational in most situations (this is one of the reasons I married Seth; he is my rational half). Secondly, I am not usually the type of person to say something to elicit a reaction/comments out of someone. I tend to be pretty blunt about my feelings (as long as it isn't at the expense of someone else). So, why did I say this? I wondered this on my way home from the play date... Honestly, it is because I do sometimes feel bad (again, not the best choice of word) about being on birth control and being happy with just the two children I already have and not wanting to expand my family. Why is this? I'm not sure...that is the reason for this blog. I don't feel guilty, really. It is more like -- there are so many people out there that can't have children and here I am -- a healthy 27 year old. Also, as a Christian, sometimes you (I) feel like I am judged by this decision I have made not to have 100 kids...Maybe this is why I said this to another lady that I knew was a Christian...to elicit a response, to see what she thought. Sadly, I was happy to hear her say, "What? Why?" (*wiping my brow*) Whew! Maybe I'm not a horrible person!? Ok, so that is a bit over the top ...haha.

What is it that makes us feel this way as mothers?? Is it societal views? I just don't know if I can pin it on that because society accepts so many other things as ok. Maybe it is just the circles that I keep...?? Maybe these women (the breast feeding women) feel like they will be judged by the women who did nurse their children? I really don't know. I just know that why I said the aforementioned thing (above) to the woman in my group; I almost kicked myself as soon as I said it because really I don't feel bad, I just feel like I am not living up to my role as a Christian -- in some people's viewpoints. Then there is the question of: Why do I even care what people think of me? Really, the only person I should care about impressing/pleasing is God. He is my creator/judge. I know this in my head, but when it comes down to it, I also want to make other people happy with who I am.

I am going to say something right now that would probably send my mom over the edge...really. I AM HAPPY WITH WHO I AM...at least for the most part. I know I am not perfect. The Bible is very clear on that point. The only perfect person that ever walked the face of this Earth is Jesus Christ. I do things sometimes that I wish I could take back -- saying something mean about someone, thinking something mean about someone, telling a white lie, not spending enough time with Him...but as far as the person I have evolved to be...I like this person. It has taken me a long time to get here.

(I know I am totally off subject, but who cares...) I remember a time in high school (high school, people--not middle school, not elementary school) that my sister was brushing my hair, or playing with my hair (this was pretty unusual really). My mom was sitting on the bed with us and Tiffany pulled my hair or something (by accident) and I exclaimed that, "ouch, that hurts". Tiffany said that she was just trying to make my hair look pretty. I remember being upset by her saying that (ok, so maybe I was a little sensitive back then) and saying back that I already had pretty hair. For those of you who knew me in HS, know that this really wasn't the case but I digress... I can still remember the look of shock and disgust on my mom's face when she told me that I was so conceited just like my cousin (who everyone thought was conceited, I guess -- I don't really remember why). This still sticks with me to this day. Really? Are women not allowed to think they are pretty without being put into the conceited box?

Are there two boxes: conceited and not conceited, breastfeeder (child nurturer) and not a breastfeeder (non-child nurturer), one or another. Can't their be a middle ground. Do I have to fit in society's box to be fully accepted and not looked down on by one group or another? Can't someone like the way they look without being conceited? Can't someone be an amazing mother without breastfeeding their child? Can't someone still be a Christian with zeal for life without wanting to have "as many kids as the Lord blesses me with"? I mean, really? This drives me crazy!! Where do people get these ideas?

So, society or...what? I just don't know. All I know is that no matter what it is, starting now (after typing through my thoughts), I am going to strive to please only One...God. Does anything else really matter?

I know, I know...

...I'm a slacker. I am going to try to get around to blogging tomorrow.

Taking a moment

I have been cleaning house and doing laundry on and off all day so I thought I would take a minute and write a quick blog while I am trying to avoid the AI results that I am sure will be all over the internet very soon. Sheesh. Why can't California be normal and allow us to watch the show live with the rest of the world?

Today has been a pretty good day. Kailee often reminds me of what a slacker of a mother I can be sometimes...and how she refuses to be ignored. haha. Today Kailee was asking to watch a cartoon since Sophia was napping (because this is the only time she is allowed to watch cartoons) and I told her to wait just a minute because I was checking my email. A couple minutes later (after I had moved on from email and was checking facebook...haha) she asked again. I told her to hold on a minute. The next thing I know she has walked across the room and is standing beside me with the remote in her hand. She told me that she wanted to show me something and proceeded to tell me that I could do both things at once. So, she took the remote in one hand (telling me to watch) and she put her other hand on the keyboard of the computer and started to press buttons. She said "see, you can use the computer and turn on cartoons at the same time." I couldn't help but to laugh because, first of all, she is only 3 (and 3 months old) and secondly, because she called me out without even realizing it. I definitely should have turned on the cartoon since I had told her I would when Sophia laid down for a nap. She is so doggon cute!

I love the moments when she does or says something like that. It really fills my heart with love and joy. Though they may drive me crazy sometimes, I couldn't imagine my life without my girls! God has blessed me so tremendously. I will praise Him forever!

All of this being said, right now I think it is cute when Kailee says something off hand such as this but someday it is going to turn into a situation like this:

The toll society can take on us...

I have been thinking a lot about some of the things we, as mothers, say or do sometimes and how we allow (subconsciously?) society to mold the way we do things; whether it be the way we discipline our children, our parenting style, breastfeeding or not breastfeeding. I could really go on and on.

It is late and I am exhausted so I am going to bed but I wanted to say something about it so it will remind me later to expatiate on these thoughts. :)

Part 2...emotions.

I'm not even really sure how to broach the subject of emotions during deployments. First of all, you have to say goodbye. The goodbye seems to be one of the hardest parts...How do you say goodbye to the person you love more than anyone else in this world? How do you expect your children to say goodbye when they think that it is only for a short time...a trip to the grocery store for milk, a mid-day run, some time alone? How do you explain that night, as you put your beautiful, innocent children to sleep, that daddy isn't coming home tonight (or any night soon)? Just reading these thoughts as I type them brings up a well of emotions. I guess the best word to describe it is: heart-breaking. The other word that comes to mind is desperation. Desperate for one more hug, one more kiss, one more laugh, to hear him read one more night time story to the girls, to see him glance at me from across the room with those penetrating eyes, to hear him tell Kailee a "once upon a time" as she lays in bed at night...My heart literally hurts just thinking about it.

That is how we (military families) survive the emotional train wreck of deployments. We detach ourselves. We don't think about it. We just move...we just do. We do the dishes, we mow the lawn, we take our children for walks, we read the bedtime stories, we give them unconditional love, we let it slip (just this once...) when our children are misbehaving because, after all, how else do they show emotion? They miss daddy too. And when we hear the cry "I want daddy" during timeouts or after waking up from a bad dream, we just hold our little ones and cry with them saying, "I ,baby, Daddy loves you, and he'll be home soon".

I wish I could say that I am always strong in these situations. The truth is...I am weak. The worst deployment for me was only a 3 month tryst in Timbuktu, Mali, Africa. I longed for Seth...in every sense of the word. Kailee was young and I just felt like I was falling apart emotionally. I have heard people say that you should never tell your soldier about your emotional distress or if bad things are going on at home. I have heard that you should just deal with it because you shouldn't put your husband (in my case) in danger while he is deployed. "He needs to focus on his objective and nothing else -- He needs to stay alive." I will be the first to say that I think I am a strong person, but I couldn't bring myself to do this. During his short time in Mali, I can remember us both having complete meltdowns on the phone. It was hard. On one hand, I didn't want him to see this weakness in me but on the other hand, if I completely separated myself from the situation emotionally (which some people do -- to get through), I'm not sure our marriage would still be as strong as it is today. I can't just turn it on and off. Once you separate yourself like that, it is hard to get back...sometimes people never do. I truly believe this is one of the reasons divorce is so prevalent among the military.

This was the deployment that we decided Seth would get out of the Army. I NEEDED him. I wanted him to hug his daughter, to put his arms around me, to read her bedtime stories in person, not through a video he recorded before he left. Every night we would push play on the video to hear Seth repeating "In the great green room, there was a telephone..." My heart broke for Seth to have to be away from Kailee, and her from him. Will she remember it now? No. But he will. He will always know that he missed those times in her life. If I didn't love my husband, this would be easier to stomach, but I do. I love him with ever fiber of my being and it when he hurts, I hurt.

Are deployments hard? Yes. Do they sometimes feel like they are draining the life out of your family? Yes. Is God good? Yes. Does he have a plan? Yes.

Even after writing all of this and reliving the emotions that come along with it, I ask myself: Is being a military wife/mom worth it?

Yes. (Hindsight is 20/20)

(*more to come*)

Being a military spouse and mom (part 1: deployments)

There are lots of bad things that can be said about being a military mom/spouse. I could definitely compile a list and that list would definitely be longer while my husband is deployed (and I am hating the Army life x 1000). That would be the first thing on my list: deployments. There is no easy way of saying it: DEPLOYMENTS STINK! (If I was a "cussing" person, I could probably come up with many more colorful descriptions that would put this one to shame). Not only do deployments effect the immediate family (wife/husband and children) of those deployed but they also effect family and friends. Seth's first deployment came not long after the "Fight on terror" started in 2003. That wasn't when deployments first touched our lives, though. Seth had several friends (including his best friend, John) that couldn't make it to the grand occasion of our wedding in March of 2003 because they were on the first wave of deployments after the war started. This was my first taste of the Army/military life. Seth deployed in 2004 to Iraq for 6 months. I know! I had it easy. My best friend's husband was gone for 15 months (and they had already had their precious little girl).

...and then Kailee came. :) Of course, in the military, there are 3 types of babies: pre-deployment babies, post-deployment babies, and R&R babies. Kailee was a post-deployment baby. While Seth was deployed, I couldn't help but think that if something DID happen to him, I wouldn't have anything to remember him by. I know it sounds weird but at the time, this is truly what I was thinking. Deployments really mess with your mind, your emotions. It was rough. War-time emotions were running on high at the time -- with EVERYONE, not just the military families. I was working in a mall through college and I can't count the number of times some bumbling idiot (yes, I know that isn't very nice) would come into the store ranting about how he was mad at the soldiers (of all people!) for being in Iraq because they chose to join the military. Are you kidding me?!!? I was irate. How could someone be mad at the soldiers??? I still can't make since of that one. I am truly one of those people that think believe that you don't/didn't have to agree with the war (or the reasons we were there) to support the troops. My point is this -- you can't really understand the military lifestyle unless you are living it. It is a constant push and pull.

All of this being said and as strange as this may sounds, deployments really brought out the best in me as a mother. When Seth was/is home, I rely on him for help with the girls, pets, house, etc. In doing this, I often found/find myself slacking in these areas -- thinking that Seth could read the girls (or, at the time, it was only Kailee) a story, he could change the poopy diaper, he could unload the dishwasher, he could mow the lawn...I equate Seth being deployed to taking a full load of classes in college (like 19 or 20 hours). I did this one semester and it made me stay "on the ball". I had not time to slack. If I allowed myself that moment of weakness, it would be like an avalanche; my grades would take a turn for the worse very quickly. The same can be said about deployments (in my case, that is). When Seth is gone, somehow, it was, dare I say, easier? Physically, easier -- I had no choice, as a parent, but to do everything in my power to cater to Kailee's best interests. She wanted a story, she got it. The yard needed to be mowed, I did it. Everything stayed in order because I felt that is the one thing I had control of. If I were to let just one thing slip, it would all go spiraling out of my control.

Emotionally, this was another story and this is what inevitably led to Seth getting out of the Army all together...

(*more to come*)

Escaping...even if for just a second.

I have locked myself in the "office" because I am about to go crazy...Sophia is soo clingy right now because she is sick. I would actually love that if it weren't for the fact that not only is she sick and clingy but she is also VERY whiny...even while holding her. She screams and climbs all over me. What happened to my happy child? She is usually happy even when she is sick.

hahaha. Kailee is standing at the door trying to get in (I don't even think she knows I am in here) and can't figure out why the door is locked. She is hitting all of the light switches -- haha -- I guess she thinks that will magically unlock the door. Hilarious.

The really funny thing is that Seth just came to the door and, through the glass, told me that he was going to the bathroom but that the girls were playing ok. Something about this struck me as very funny...I am laughing even now. What do the guys think we do during the day when we have to go to the bathroom? hahahaha. Oh wait, our children come in there with us. Ugh.

I guess I should go check to make sure they are ok...I keep hearing Kailee say "Daddy? Daddy?" It will click in just a second that daddy is locked in the bathroom and mommy is who-knows-where -- hmmm... -- maybe behind that locked door. hahahaha.

randomness...loving my children...

First off, let me say that I hope my last blog wasn't misinterpreted by some of my readers. I LOVE my children and I am glad that I can stay at home with them. I enjoy the time I have with them and I wouldn't change it for anything. What I don't like is what makes up the "homemaker" part of being a stay-at-home-mom. I would love to be able to spend ALL of my time concentrating on my girls and not on the cooking and cleaning aspect. I know that this is what God has in store for my life right now and that is why I do what I do.

Now that I covered that...

I had a nice afternoon out with the girls today. Sophia has croup so we haven't been able to go to any play dates lately (for fear of getting the other children sick) so yesterday I stayed in and mopped the floors (on my hands and knees - ugh!) and today the girls and I went to Chipotle for lunch. It was nice.

It's kinda funny: When I bring up the subject of going out to eat with the girls, Seth almost always says/implies that going out to eat with the girls is not an enjoyable experience...and, unfortunately, sometimes he is right but I really enjoy going out to eat with them some times. We walked around a couple shops at Del Monte Center and then sat down to eat a relatively relaxing lunch. We then went into a toy store and walked around for a few minutes. I was pretty amazed at the amount of self control that Kailee can show when she really wants to. That being said, I have no problem bribing my children -- if the time is right. :) I told them that we would go to the water fountain (a large outdoor water fountain with metal sculptures of seals and sea otter) if they were good...and they were.

I really love it when I have "moments" with my girls. I know it sounds odd but everthing just seemed perfect in those 10 minutes that we played near the water. The sun had just broke through the clouds and it was shining down on this large fountain and my girls were laughing and chasing the birds. It was quite enjoyable.

I really love my children and I pray for them all day, every day. I pray that God will put a hedge of protection around them all the days of their lives. I pray that He will open their eyes to His glory and that they will follow Him all the days of their lives. God is amazing! I can only pray that Seth and I are able to do this parenting thing the way that God would have us do it...so that our children love and obey Him for the rest of their lives...

My mom always tells me that there is no handbook for parenting (as a way "out") but I have to disagree. The Bible tells us a lot about parenting and I am so grateful for that...really, though, Jesus was/is the ultimate example of love and compassion. Many times when I am angry with my girls or upset about the way they are acting I have to take a deep breath and remind myself that they are only on loan and that God has entrusted them into our care...AND there are many times that I just blow up and yell. Is it right? No. Am I perfect? No. I have to just keep trying...and I will -- for the rest of my life. They are soo worth it.

The struggle between mind and body, who I am vs. who I need to be

There are many days that pass that I wish parts of my personality were different than they are. Let me explain: I can get really excited about doing something like (in this case) making a dinner menu, picking up the ingredients, making, and freezing enough meals for a week (or two). This would make things a lot less time consuming in the evening.

So...I made the menu, bought most of the ingredients, and put everything in the refrigerator so that on Saturday (today!) I could start this new endeavor. I ate breakfast this morning and set out to do just this. However, I just don't want to do it. I am standing in the kitchen, cook book open, thinking "why am I doing this again?" Why can't I just have the personality of a woman who likes to cook, clean, and take care of her family. I mean, I do like to take care of my family but I could definitely go without the cooking and cleaning part. :)

It comes down to this: Should I conform to what people think I should be as a housewife/stay-at-home-mom or should I conform the role to myself. I choose the latter -- but then I feel bad about it. I don't know...it is really a struggle between the mind and body, what I feel I need to be and what I really am.

*Sorry for the poor editing*

I love my children and my husband more than anything in this world - does this mean I have to love the role as a housewive? When I think of this I think of my sister-in-law, Ellen. I have to say that I respect the fact that this is what she wants for herself. She knows she wants to be a mother and housewife and I am sure she will be great at it. She enjoys staying home all day cooking, cleaning, and (when the time comes) taking care of her children. *sigh* I sometimes wish I could be content in doing these things but then I feel like I am fighting who I really am. I liken it to a paragraph in the book "Eclipse". The main character is standing at her refrigerator lining up magnets when she realized that the two strongest magnets mess up the alignment of all of the other magnets. The only way to get them to line up is to flip over (change) the strong magnet. So, I realize I can either conform or change -- sitting her typing this now I am realizing that the latter is not really an option. I like who I am. I just need to find a way to mold my personality around this role as a housewife. Have I ever mentioned that I REALLY dislike that term? Ugh.

I just can't believe that I have been doing this for over 3 years now and I still haven't figured it out. I just keep fighting who I am...Can I really blame it on society? I don't know. I guess I will keep working to find the right balance and tweek it as I go.