Stages...

There are distinct stages in every person's life. A person can define their life by age, career status, religious status, mental status, etc, etc... Each of these categories means something different to everyone. My genre of status changed once I met Seth. When I met Seth I was a "college student" and "retail sales associate" -- basically, I defined who I was by my career (or college status).

When I met Seth, things changed; suddenly I was a married woman...and not only was I married to an amazing man, but I was married to an Army officer! To me, this didn't mean much. Seth was, well, Seth. I loved his sarcastic humor (ask me how much I like it after 7 years...haha), quick wit, love of fitness, the way he could look at me from across a room and make my heart melt (and he can still do this). I thought of the Army as his job...just like my job was to sell tv's, computers, and phones at Sears. My job didn't define me; it was just a job. So, when I met Seth, I didn't think of all of the "things" that would eventually come along with being an Army wife, an officer's wife...it didn't take long for that to rectify itself.

So, at this point in my life I went from being a college student & sales associate to being a wife. It's crazy how that happens. I still attended classes and went to work but when I described myself, my description sounded more like "I enjoy hanging out with my husband and hiking/camping" instead of "I enjoy going to dance clubs (although I don't drink -- except water, of course) and staying out til all hours of the night". My stage in life had officially changed. I was growing up...learning who I was: as a wife, friend, and Christian. My focus changed and now I had to learn to live with another person; someone to hold me accountable for my actions, someone to make me a better person...hmmm...Although this transition didn't come all at once, it did seem to happen pretty quickly.

Now that I was an Army wife I apparently had a few things to learn. First on the list: what/where West Point was. Seriously? Now that my life was starting to change and it would come out that Seth was/is in the Army, I received a lot of different reactions. Seth, at the time, was working on his Master's at U of L (GO CARDS!) so people naturally would ask where he went to college. When my response was West Point, you would think that he went to Harvard or Yale by the looks on people's faces...The first time this happened I was a little surprised --"What's the big deal?" I had no idea what/where West Point even was. hahaha. So, I married someone that not only was a soldier, an officer, but he also went to a very well-known (give me credit, I was raised in a small town) University. Wow! I have a lot to live up to.

I am sure at this point, I probably thought (on more than one occasion): "Why in the world did Seth marry a girl like me? I can hardly speak properly (and he let me know several times a day), I was raised in a small town. Why me?" This was a huge emotional switch for me. I had always believed (not because someone told me but just because I assumed so...) that I would grow up and marry a small-town guy, and I would, no doubt, have a so-so (if not, horrible) marriage and, if I was lucky, no children. I didn't always believe the latter -- only while in college. It's not that I didn't like children, it's just that while in college I was in a horrible relationship and the last thing I wanted was to subject children to something like that.

My mom has been re-married several times, and although I know that we all live our lives differently, I subscribe to the notion that "once married, always married" (unless, of course, he is unfaithful). So, at this point, to transition my frame-of-mind to being in a committed relationship to a very loving, faithful, God-serving man that makes me want to be a better person (in every sense of the phrase) from the aforementioned frame-of-mind was somewhat of a shock...again, this transition came about slowly and there are time when I am still learning to adjust. The baggage seems to always remain, I just have to choose (sometimes once every few months, sometimes weekly, sometimes multiple times a day) to be a better person -- the person God has designed me to be.

(*more to come*)

Part 2...emotions.

I'm not even really sure how to broach the subject of emotions during deployments. First of all, you have to say goodbye. The goodbye seems to be one of the hardest parts...How do you say goodbye to the person you love more than anyone else in this world? How do you expect your children to say goodbye when they think that it is only for a short time...a trip to the grocery store for milk, a mid-day run, some time alone? How do you explain that night, as you put your beautiful, innocent children to sleep, that daddy isn't coming home tonight (or any night soon)? Just reading these thoughts as I type them brings up a well of emotions. I guess the best word to describe it is: heart-breaking. The other word that comes to mind is desperation. Desperate for one more hug, one more kiss, one more laugh, to hear him read one more night time story to the girls, to see him glance at me from across the room with those penetrating eyes, to hear him tell Kailee a "once upon a time" as she lays in bed at night...My heart literally hurts just thinking about it.

That is how we (military families) survive the emotional train wreck of deployments. We detach ourselves. We don't think about it. We just move...we just do. We do the dishes, we mow the lawn, we take our children for walks, we read the bedtime stories, we give them unconditional love, we let it slip (just this once...) when our children are misbehaving because, after all, how else do they show emotion? They miss daddy too. And when we hear the cry "I want daddy" during timeouts or after waking up from a bad dream, we just hold our little ones and cry with them saying, "I ,baby, Daddy loves you, and he'll be home soon".

I wish I could say that I am always strong in these situations. The truth is...I am weak. The worst deployment for me was only a 3 month tryst in Timbuktu, Mali, Africa. I longed for Seth...in every sense of the word. Kailee was young and I just felt like I was falling apart emotionally. I have heard people say that you should never tell your soldier about your emotional distress or if bad things are going on at home. I have heard that you should just deal with it because you shouldn't put your husband (in my case) in danger while he is deployed. "He needs to focus on his objective and nothing else -- He needs to stay alive." I will be the first to say that I think I am a strong person, but I couldn't bring myself to do this. During his short time in Mali, I can remember us both having complete meltdowns on the phone. It was hard. On one hand, I didn't want him to see this weakness in me but on the other hand, if I completely separated myself from the situation emotionally (which some people do -- to get through), I'm not sure our marriage would still be as strong as it is today. I can't just turn it on and off. Once you separate yourself like that, it is hard to get back...sometimes people never do. I truly believe this is one of the reasons divorce is so prevalent among the military.

This was the deployment that we decided Seth would get out of the Army. I NEEDED him. I wanted him to hug his daughter, to put his arms around me, to read her bedtime stories in person, not through a video he recorded before he left. Every night we would push play on the video to hear Seth repeating "In the great green room, there was a telephone..." My heart broke for Seth to have to be away from Kailee, and her from him. Will she remember it now? No. But he will. He will always know that he missed those times in her life. If I didn't love my husband, this would be easier to stomach, but I do. I love him with ever fiber of my being and it when he hurts, I hurt.

Are deployments hard? Yes. Do they sometimes feel like they are draining the life out of your family? Yes. Is God good? Yes. Does he have a plan? Yes.

Even after writing all of this and reliving the emotions that come along with it, I ask myself: Is being a military wife/mom worth it?

Yes. (Hindsight is 20/20)

(*more to come*)

Being a military spouse and mom (part 1: deployments)

There are lots of bad things that can be said about being a military mom/spouse. I could definitely compile a list and that list would definitely be longer while my husband is deployed (and I am hating the Army life x 1000). That would be the first thing on my list: deployments. There is no easy way of saying it: DEPLOYMENTS STINK! (If I was a "cussing" person, I could probably come up with many more colorful descriptions that would put this one to shame). Not only do deployments effect the immediate family (wife/husband and children) of those deployed but they also effect family and friends. Seth's first deployment came not long after the "Fight on terror" started in 2003. That wasn't when deployments first touched our lives, though. Seth had several friends (including his best friend, John) that couldn't make it to the grand occasion of our wedding in March of 2003 because they were on the first wave of deployments after the war started. This was my first taste of the Army/military life. Seth deployed in 2004 to Iraq for 6 months. I know! I had it easy. My best friend's husband was gone for 15 months (and they had already had their precious little girl).

...and then Kailee came. :) Of course, in the military, there are 3 types of babies: pre-deployment babies, post-deployment babies, and R&R babies. Kailee was a post-deployment baby. While Seth was deployed, I couldn't help but think that if something DID happen to him, I wouldn't have anything to remember him by. I know it sounds weird but at the time, this is truly what I was thinking. Deployments really mess with your mind, your emotions. It was rough. War-time emotions were running on high at the time -- with EVERYONE, not just the military families. I was working in a mall through college and I can't count the number of times some bumbling idiot (yes, I know that isn't very nice) would come into the store ranting about how he was mad at the soldiers (of all people!) for being in Iraq because they chose to join the military. Are you kidding me?!!? I was irate. How could someone be mad at the soldiers??? I still can't make since of that one. I am truly one of those people that think believe that you don't/didn't have to agree with the war (or the reasons we were there) to support the troops. My point is this -- you can't really understand the military lifestyle unless you are living it. It is a constant push and pull.

All of this being said and as strange as this may sounds, deployments really brought out the best in me as a mother. When Seth was/is home, I rely on him for help with the girls, pets, house, etc. In doing this, I often found/find myself slacking in these areas -- thinking that Seth could read the girls (or, at the time, it was only Kailee) a story, he could change the poopy diaper, he could unload the dishwasher, he could mow the lawn...I equate Seth being deployed to taking a full load of classes in college (like 19 or 20 hours). I did this one semester and it made me stay "on the ball". I had not time to slack. If I allowed myself that moment of weakness, it would be like an avalanche; my grades would take a turn for the worse very quickly. The same can be said about deployments (in my case, that is). When Seth is gone, somehow, it was, dare I say, easier? Physically, easier -- I had no choice, as a parent, but to do everything in my power to cater to Kailee's best interests. She wanted a story, she got it. The yard needed to be mowed, I did it. Everything stayed in order because I felt that is the one thing I had control of. If I were to let just one thing slip, it would all go spiraling out of my control.

Emotionally, this was another story and this is what inevitably led to Seth getting out of the Army all together...

(*more to come*)