Those moments...a very sad, personal blog.

FOREWARNING: I am writing this while pretty emotionally distraught. Do not read if you don't want to hear about a pretty personal, sad time in my life. I know I am a pretty happy-go-lucky type gal but we all have our hard times and for tonight I felt the need to write about one of mine. I am only writing this as a form of "therapy"...to talk about a truly amazing man.

Honestly, I don't even know how to start this blog. First I must say that it is rare for me to write from a place of raw emotion. I do tend to ramble in my blogs but, believe it or not, I do think things through as I am writing them. This is a little different for me but I really think it will help with the emotions I am feeling at the moment. Bare with me...

I just finished watching another one of my favorite silly shows: America's Got Talent. (yes, yes, I know...) There was a contestant that walked on stage dressed like he was from the country -- hat on backwards, large, old school sweat shirt, tennis shoes, etc. When he started talking about being from Maysville, KY and catching chickens for a living I was intrigued because it was such a stark contrast from the regular "Hollywood" scene. I just kept doing what I was doing (checking email) while I listened to the show playing in the background. Yes, folks, I can, on occasion, multi-task. :) The man, Kevin Skinnard, went on to say that he was going to sing a Garth Brooks song: If Tomorrow Never Comes.

I can't put into words how I am feeling right now. It is so weird how the most random things can bring out such a flood of pentup memories and emotions. )Luckily Seth and the girls are in bed or else they might think I had lost my mind. haha)

So, anway, this guys starts to sing and though he is not amazing...he can sing pretty well. For some reason, he really reminded me of my step dad, Lonnie. Lonnie died of cancer almost 7 years ago. When he got sick it was really hard for me because my mom and Lonnie had gotten a divorce (I was still in high school) and he was remarried to someone else. I didn't see him a lot...but I loved him so much it hurt. Let me say that although I have a good relationship with my dad now, he wasn't always there (and I'm not pointing fingers here -- I don't know who's fault it was...it depends on who you ask), Lonnie was. He was there those times in my life when I needed a dad there for the every day, day-to-day. At the time Lonnie died I was dating a horrible guy and just got so consumed with my own life that I didn't visit much...I kick myself for this all the time. I'm sure he wasn't perfect but I didn't see that at the time...even now. He was a great man. He had an infectious spirit. Lonnie understood me...there are so many little things that I could go into right now that were so great about him -- the small, every day things -- but I won't bore you with that. ha. Let's just say that Lonnie was "country" through and through. I have changed a lot in the last 7 years and gone away from my "country" ways. Some people think I have changed for the better and some think I have changed for the worse. Lonnie would have loved me for who I was and who I had become. He was an amazing man...and he didn't even realize it. There are very few people in my family who have this unconditional, no boundaries type love. I can't even say I have that all the time...

I desperately wish Seth could have met Lonnie. They would have loved each other. haha. I can just hear him saying to Seth: "West Point? What's that?" Because those things didn't matter to him. It was all about love and family. My girls would have LOVED him and he them!

I have asked God many times "why?". Obviously I don't know that answer and won't until I join them in Heaven some day. Lonnie wasn't a religious person. I don't think he ever stepped foot in a church in all the time he and my mom were married. We never really talked about it. I became a Christian in the summer of 1996 while my mom and Lonnie were still married. I prayed for my family (a lot) to come to know Christ. It wasn't until Lonnie was laying in the hospital bed the day before he died that he did come to know Him. I vividly remember it. I had brought my Bible with me that day to see him because I was concerned that no one had talked to him about the life to come after his life here with us. I would have never forgiven myself if I hadn't at least tried. I spoke to Lonnie's wife and told her my intent; she informed me that a preacher had come to talk to Lonnie earlier in the day. When I walked in a walked over to him, gaunt and barely "with us", my heart ached. He didn't really recognize anyone at this point -- it was hit and miss. He kept the morphine button in his hand all the time and would hit it over and over. He looked over at me and the same old spark came back in his eye just long enough for me to know that he knew who I was and that I was there. He put that button down and reached for me. My memory fails me now and I can't remember what "term of endearment" he used at the moment but he definitely knew who I was. My heart soared and at the same time it was breaking and there was a piece of it that would be gone forever. I put on a smile and walked over to him, taking his hand. He looked at me and said "I'm praying for you." I can't even begin to describe how that felt. There are no words. How could someone who was lying here in this bed, within hours of dying, be praying for me? This God we serve is amazing! To know that I will see Lonnie again...to hear him sing Red Sovine's "Daddy's Girl" in that deep voice with a country twange to me again...

I miss him so much and though I am not ready to leave this world, I look forward to the day we meet again. I love you, Lonnie. I will tell my girls about you and I will never forget. I pray they, too, will meet you someday.