Being a military spouse and mom (part 1: deployments)

There are lots of bad things that can be said about being a military mom/spouse. I could definitely compile a list and that list would definitely be longer while my husband is deployed (and I am hating the Army life x 1000). That would be the first thing on my list: deployments. There is no easy way of saying it: DEPLOYMENTS STINK! (If I was a "cussing" person, I could probably come up with many more colorful descriptions that would put this one to shame). Not only do deployments effect the immediate family (wife/husband and children) of those deployed but they also effect family and friends. Seth's first deployment came not long after the "Fight on terror" started in 2003. That wasn't when deployments first touched our lives, though. Seth had several friends (including his best friend, John) that couldn't make it to the grand occasion of our wedding in March of 2003 because they were on the first wave of deployments after the war started. This was my first taste of the Army/military life. Seth deployed in 2004 to Iraq for 6 months. I know! I had it easy. My best friend's husband was gone for 15 months (and they had already had their precious little girl).

...and then Kailee came. :) Of course, in the military, there are 3 types of babies: pre-deployment babies, post-deployment babies, and R&R babies. Kailee was a post-deployment baby. While Seth was deployed, I couldn't help but think that if something DID happen to him, I wouldn't have anything to remember him by. I know it sounds weird but at the time, this is truly what I was thinking. Deployments really mess with your mind, your emotions. It was rough. War-time emotions were running on high at the time -- with EVERYONE, not just the military families. I was working in a mall through college and I can't count the number of times some bumbling idiot (yes, I know that isn't very nice) would come into the store ranting about how he was mad at the soldiers (of all people!) for being in Iraq because they chose to join the military. Are you kidding me?!!? I was irate. How could someone be mad at the soldiers??? I still can't make since of that one. I am truly one of those people that think believe that you don't/didn't have to agree with the war (or the reasons we were there) to support the troops. My point is this -- you can't really understand the military lifestyle unless you are living it. It is a constant push and pull.

All of this being said and as strange as this may sounds, deployments really brought out the best in me as a mother. When Seth was/is home, I rely on him for help with the girls, pets, house, etc. In doing this, I often found/find myself slacking in these areas -- thinking that Seth could read the girls (or, at the time, it was only Kailee) a story, he could change the poopy diaper, he could unload the dishwasher, he could mow the lawn...I equate Seth being deployed to taking a full load of classes in college (like 19 or 20 hours). I did this one semester and it made me stay "on the ball". I had not time to slack. If I allowed myself that moment of weakness, it would be like an avalanche; my grades would take a turn for the worse very quickly. The same can be said about deployments (in my case, that is). When Seth is gone, somehow, it was, dare I say, easier? Physically, easier -- I had no choice, as a parent, but to do everything in my power to cater to Kailee's best interests. She wanted a story, she got it. The yard needed to be mowed, I did it. Everything stayed in order because I felt that is the one thing I had control of. If I were to let just one thing slip, it would all go spiraling out of my control.

Emotionally, this was another story and this is what inevitably led to Seth getting out of the Army all together...

(*more to come*)

Escaping...even if for just a second.

I have locked myself in the "office" because I am about to go crazy...Sophia is soo clingy right now because she is sick. I would actually love that if it weren't for the fact that not only is she sick and clingy but she is also VERY whiny...even while holding her. She screams and climbs all over me. What happened to my happy child? She is usually happy even when she is sick.

hahaha. Kailee is standing at the door trying to get in (I don't even think she knows I am in here) and can't figure out why the door is locked. She is hitting all of the light switches -- haha -- I guess she thinks that will magically unlock the door. Hilarious.

The really funny thing is that Seth just came to the door and, through the glass, told me that he was going to the bathroom but that the girls were playing ok. Something about this struck me as very funny...I am laughing even now. What do the guys think we do during the day when we have to go to the bathroom? hahahaha. Oh wait, our children come in there with us. Ugh.

I guess I should go check to make sure they are ok...I keep hearing Kailee say "Daddy? Daddy?" It will click in just a second that daddy is locked in the bathroom and mommy is who-knows-where -- hmmm... -- maybe behind that locked door. hahahaha.

randomness...loving my children...

First off, let me say that I hope my last blog wasn't misinterpreted by some of my readers. I LOVE my children and I am glad that I can stay at home with them. I enjoy the time I have with them and I wouldn't change it for anything. What I don't like is what makes up the "homemaker" part of being a stay-at-home-mom. I would love to be able to spend ALL of my time concentrating on my girls and not on the cooking and cleaning aspect. I know that this is what God has in store for my life right now and that is why I do what I do.

Now that I covered that...

I had a nice afternoon out with the girls today. Sophia has croup so we haven't been able to go to any play dates lately (for fear of getting the other children sick) so yesterday I stayed in and mopped the floors (on my hands and knees - ugh!) and today the girls and I went to Chipotle for lunch. It was nice.

It's kinda funny: When I bring up the subject of going out to eat with the girls, Seth almost always says/implies that going out to eat with the girls is not an enjoyable experience...and, unfortunately, sometimes he is right but I really enjoy going out to eat with them some times. We walked around a couple shops at Del Monte Center and then sat down to eat a relatively relaxing lunch. We then went into a toy store and walked around for a few minutes. I was pretty amazed at the amount of self control that Kailee can show when she really wants to. That being said, I have no problem bribing my children -- if the time is right. :) I told them that we would go to the water fountain (a large outdoor water fountain with metal sculptures of seals and sea otter) if they were good...and they were.

I really love it when I have "moments" with my girls. I know it sounds odd but everthing just seemed perfect in those 10 minutes that we played near the water. The sun had just broke through the clouds and it was shining down on this large fountain and my girls were laughing and chasing the birds. It was quite enjoyable.

I really love my children and I pray for them all day, every day. I pray that God will put a hedge of protection around them all the days of their lives. I pray that He will open their eyes to His glory and that they will follow Him all the days of their lives. God is amazing! I can only pray that Seth and I are able to do this parenting thing the way that God would have us do it...so that our children love and obey Him for the rest of their lives...

My mom always tells me that there is no handbook for parenting (as a way "out") but I have to disagree. The Bible tells us a lot about parenting and I am so grateful for that...really, though, Jesus was/is the ultimate example of love and compassion. Many times when I am angry with my girls or upset about the way they are acting I have to take a deep breath and remind myself that they are only on loan and that God has entrusted them into our care...AND there are many times that I just blow up and yell. Is it right? No. Am I perfect? No. I have to just keep trying...and I will -- for the rest of my life. They are soo worth it.

The struggle between mind and body, who I am vs. who I need to be

There are many days that pass that I wish parts of my personality were different than they are. Let me explain: I can get really excited about doing something like (in this case) making a dinner menu, picking up the ingredients, making, and freezing enough meals for a week (or two). This would make things a lot less time consuming in the evening.

So...I made the menu, bought most of the ingredients, and put everything in the refrigerator so that on Saturday (today!) I could start this new endeavor. I ate breakfast this morning and set out to do just this. However, I just don't want to do it. I am standing in the kitchen, cook book open, thinking "why am I doing this again?" Why can't I just have the personality of a woman who likes to cook, clean, and take care of her family. I mean, I do like to take care of my family but I could definitely go without the cooking and cleaning part. :)

It comes down to this: Should I conform to what people think I should be as a housewife/stay-at-home-mom or should I conform the role to myself. I choose the latter -- but then I feel bad about it. I don't know...it is really a struggle between the mind and body, what I feel I need to be and what I really am.

*Sorry for the poor editing*

I love my children and my husband more than anything in this world - does this mean I have to love the role as a housewive? When I think of this I think of my sister-in-law, Ellen. I have to say that I respect the fact that this is what she wants for herself. She knows she wants to be a mother and housewife and I am sure she will be great at it. She enjoys staying home all day cooking, cleaning, and (when the time comes) taking care of her children. *sigh* I sometimes wish I could be content in doing these things but then I feel like I am fighting who I really am. I liken it to a paragraph in the book "Eclipse". The main character is standing at her refrigerator lining up magnets when she realized that the two strongest magnets mess up the alignment of all of the other magnets. The only way to get them to line up is to flip over (change) the strong magnet. So, I realize I can either conform or change -- sitting her typing this now I am realizing that the latter is not really an option. I like who I am. I just need to find a way to mold my personality around this role as a housewife. Have I ever mentioned that I REALLY dislike that term? Ugh.

I just can't believe that I have been doing this for over 3 years now and I still haven't figured it out. I just keep fighting who I am...Can I really blame it on society? I don't know. I guess I will keep working to find the right balance and tweek it as I go.